Words of Madness

2005-01-27T16:31:00.000+11:00

As people will have noticed, my prince has created a new blog and advertised it on his old one. Well to copy him (lol), i have decided to make a whole new blog with a completly different url. Unlike my prince though, I will not be advertising it to anyone. The only people with the link with be those that fucking leave a coment on this post. This is not my "looking for attention" or "talking shit". This will be the last post to appear on this url. I will not give the addy to people that ask for it via email or msn, the only way will be to leave a comment and then I will get the addy to you. If oyu are someone that I do not talk to on email or msn, leave your email or another way to contact you.

BTW- I know that I will end up not giving the addy to anyone, but I though I would give people one more chance.

It's A Freight Train Coming My Way...

2005-01-26T19:10:00.000+11:00

Well not quite, it is actualy only a couple of days till our engagement party, and in all honesty, right now I wish there was a freight train coming towards me. In short, I am dreading the whole fucking thing.

To start with, unlike most of my family, I cannot stand being the center of attention. At partys ect I normaly find a corner to hide in and stay there. Unfortunatly, I am going to have to make speaches, talk to everyone and be a good girl all night.

On top of that I have to put up woth the fact that my step father has a very bad habbit of calling people "Cock Head", "Arsehole" and a few other offencive things. This doesn't sit well with anyone, and I have a bad feeling that he is going to call my prince that and some of his friends and family are going ot end up beating the shit out of him. I know that normaly this wouldn't be such a bad thing, but this is our engagement party, I just dont want drunk people fighting.

Add to this the fact that there are people that I don't want there. Out of the 30 people that I have invited from my family and old friends, there would be lucky to be 10 coming that I want there.

Oh well, I guess I am just going to have to shut up, deal with it, and pretend to have a good time on saturday.

2005-01-19T22:38:00.000+11:00

It is obvious that there is no interest at all in this blog any more, not even from those that I thought might want to see it continue. I have decided to leave it up in the short term, but from now I write what I want with out worrying what others will think. If you don't like something I write that is your bad luck, you have been warned so dont bother with nasty comments ect.

Looks Like The End Is Near...

2005-01-18T01:08:00.000+11:00

I have had enough of nobody bothering to coment on this blog even though it is obvious that people do visit it. I have decided to give it another week or so, then if no body bothers to comment, I am more than likely to turn this into a private blog with members only access (probably with no members) and make it into a private journal. If you want this blog to remain public, you had better get comenting. I don't care if you dont identify yourself, I just want to know if there is an interest out there

2005-01-16T02:43:00.000+11:00

I warn you all now, this post is a bitch session, and if someone doesn't like what I write, that is their right, just as it is mine to let off steam on my own blog.

In short I fucking have had enough of some people. It seems that lately everyone is out to stir up shit, lie, cause pain or just plain interfere in other peoples lives and it is realy starting to piss me off. I don't know where to start with anything so I will just write it as it comes to mind. The following happenings have been used as examples of what is pissing me off. The feelings are not only directed at those I have writen about but also alot of others that fall in to the catagories mentioned. Due to this I havent realy identified people or places.

The one thing that is at the forefront of my anger and mind is the stupid little games going on between a couple of people who used to be friends. It seems that I am the cause of their friendship break down in one way or another. To tell you the truth at first I was pissed off by this, but I have now gotten to the stage that I dont care what most people think about me. Anyway, back to what I was saying. This whole game, fight, childishness started because one person decided to leave an anonamous, baiting comment on the others blog. It soon turned in to an argument about morals, childishness and resulted in one persons real name being reveiled to ALOT of blog readers.

You may wonder why I am so pissed of by this. In short, I am sick of people causing trouble for teh sake of it (or "Just for fun"), as well as those that know the person well and still bit back and agrevate thigs further even though they know that the person they are responding to isnt in a very good frame of mind due to things that have happened in the past year or so. Why not just let it drop? Espesially when one of the people says sorry? Is it to save face and be "tough"? It is time that some people fucking grew up and acted their ages!

On the same subjet (in away), one of the afor mentioned parties said the they have the others ip address and that they could block them ect. Have they ever thought that maybe other people use that same ip address (ie those that they live with), and that they are attacking innocent by-standers by blocking the ip address?

Enough about that shit and on to the next thing that is bugging me. I am sick to death of people saying that they will or might do something and then turning back on their word later and trying to justify it. A prime example is the person that is ment to be slashing out land for us. For those that dont know, I live on 3 acres and have the problem of long grass in the paddocks. This wont be a problem once we can get the fences fixed and run sheep, but until then it needs to be cut to lower the fire risk. As I cannot afford the $100 or so to hire some one to do it, I made a deal with some one that we would reformat their computer is they would slash the grass. This was agreed to and I was able to breath a sigh of releif. That was until the slashing was continualy put off. I would care normaly except that I live in a high fire risk area and had the stress of being told to be ready to evacuate a few days ago when there were bad fires near by. If you arnt going to do something, or know you cannot do it for awhile, tell the person up frount, dont say yes or maybe and then keep changing the date or finding excuses to not do it.

This person ins't the only one that has kept on changeing things around and putting things off, but i think that I have provided enough of an example to prove my point and get it off my chest.

The next one may seem stupid to alot of people, but to me and those that actually care about me will understand where I am coming from. Mid last year I had a major falling out with my father that led to me finally telling him to get fucked and cutting him from my life. Since I did this I have finally had a sence of closure and peace about the shit he has caused in my life. All was going well until just before christmas, his "other half" decided to buy and send christmas presents to myself and my prince on behalf of her and him. Now to most people this would seem like a nice justure. To me it just caused more pain and anger that I did not need. I will explain me reasons to those few people that will actually read this. To start with, ever since they got together the day he left my mother, he has bought my present and writen on any attached cards. The fact that everything was in her hand writing and was a gift she would choose told me plain and clear that he had nothing to do with it and it was just her interfereing. Secondly, she had the nerve to assume that I would not go and see my own family on christmas day because of my father. If they had of asked at the time I was planning og spending the extra 3 hours travelling to see my family. After that I decided that they could get fucked. In all this time, not one person has even checked to see if I am still alive. It is now clear to me that my fathers family will never have anythiung to do with me unlessI go crawling to my father and that is NEVER going to happen. I would just like to know, what the fuck does it have to do with them?

While I am on a roll, I may as well continue. Of late, my prince and I have been spending alot of time researching our family trees. This is something that we have both wanted to to for quite awhile, but we have only just been able to now that his mother has agreed to hand over what she has and my mother finaly found most of her papers. We had been led to belevie that when we finaly got ahold of the papers from my princes mother that we would be in posetion of a wealth of info. This was not the case. I have come to the conclusion that with the exception to th details of some people, I could of gotten more info in and hour on the internet. Now we both know that she has alot more info, but she is pleading ignorant. Why? No one knows. To make matters worse, her sister is in posetion of some very old imigration papers that we desperately need in order to continue with our tracking, but she refuses to let anyone even look at them, let alone have a copy of them. Yet again, no one knows why.

In the process of our research I have come across something time and time again that is driving me insane. That is people not doing proper research before they post things on the net. I have found quite alot or records for my family that contain detail that are so far off base it isnt funny. If it wasn't for the fact that it was my own family and I know or have known the people whos details have been posted, I would be led completely off track. If you have details about someone that you cannot be 100% sure about, dont just put it on the net and lret people beleive that it is the truth, make a note so that others know to look further.

There are a hundred and one more things that I could bitch about here right now, but in shot I cannot be bothered with it anymore. I have more importain things to do.

2004-12-16T01:37:00.000+11:00

Of late, my prince and I have the “pleasure” of meeting and getting to know one of the local priests. For the purposes of this I shall simply call him Father R. I guess I should tell you about how we have come to know him. In short, due to our financial situation, we ran out of food and of all the so-called help agencies that we contacted, he was to only one willing to help.

He now takes us into town a couple of days a week, helps out with food and generally tries to be a friend. Now anyone that knows me outside of this blog will know that I am far from religious and do not think to highly of the church, but at the same time I respect them due to a lot of the way my grandmother raised me. The general image I have of a priest is the kind I grew up with at my grandmothers church who were old, hated swearing, drinking, smoking, any music other than church music and were just general fuddy dudies.

I got quite a shock when Father R first turned up at our place. He is a slightly over-weight, average looking, 30 something man with a wife and a 6 year old son. Over the past week we have found out even more surprising facts about him to. He swears…a lot. He loves Bon Jovi and even used to sing their songs in a cover band. He has no problems with people living together out of wedlock, drinks, doesn’t car about smoking and lets people take the lords name in vein!

So, what was the point of this post I hear you all asking…nothing really, just felt like writing it, so there you have it.

2004-12-07T16:21:00.000+11:00

I know that I promised you all an update with a rundown on our trip, but I am still in the process of scanning all of the photos in on top of the fact I still need to develop one of the films. To be honest, there is also another reason I havent dont it yet, I cant be fucked. As far as I know, only 2 people read my blog and if they realy want to know, they can get on to me seperately. Until I start getting some comments, I am not going to spend alot of effort here. No one comments on anything personal and meaning full I post and I just don't see the point in wasting my energy writing frivolous posts.

Well I guess you will all have to wait until I can be bothered writing a post before you find anything interesting on here

An Update...But not the one you all want

2004-12-01T13:23:00.000+11:00

I know that I promised that my next post would be a run down on my trip to queensland. Well that is going to have to wait. I am still in the midst of scanning all the photos so that is causing a bit of a delay in the progress of the post, plus the way shit is at the moment, I just cannot be fucked. I don't know where I stand with anyone anymore. Everything has gone to hell once more and I have had a gut full. Once I can be fucked, I might give you all the post you want.

Im Back....Well Sort Of...

2004-11-27T23:19:00.000+11:00

Ok, here is the deal. Earlier today, my prince and I flew back into melbourne after spending a week in queensland with my mother and step father. We are spending the night here and picking our dogs up on the way home tomorrow so at the moment we are basicly half way home.

I have planned a MASSIVE post about our trip but you will not be seeing it for quite a while. The reason? I cannot write it at the moment because I only have a couple of minutes and it will be a while until I can post it when I get home because our phone has been disconnected and we do not have the $300 that is owing (if anyone wishes to provide a small loan in order to reconect us, feel free :P). I promise you all that as soon as the phone is back on I will give you the full run down complete with pictures.

Until then, take care and be good (if you know how to be)

The Sea Of Dispear

2004-11-18T01:52:00.000+11:00

I feel like I am floating on a sea of dispear and there is no coast line in sight. Sometimes it seems like it is just a matter of time until I am pulled down below the surface never to return. No matter how hard I fight, I can feel the waters of dispear slowly engulfing me, taking me from the ones I love. I will not give up the fight to survive, but sometimes it feels as though I am loosing the strength to keep fighting.

Ummm...Yeah....

2004-11-11T02:59:00.000+11:00

There is something wrong. I am sick and it isn’t my normal aches/pains/ailments. I am back to not sleeping properly and even though this is a common pattern throughout my life, this spell is lasting longer and taking a bigger toll than usual. I am living on about 3 hours sleep a night. Normally when this happens it only lasts about 6 days until I collapse into a full nights sleep, but this time it has been more that 2 weeks since I had any more than 2-4 hours sleep. When I do sleep, I have such bad nightmares that I don’t want to go back to sleep once I am awake.

On top of the sleeping problem I am also suffering from an outbreak of eczema on my face, in my hair and on my hands and feet. I normally only get small patches here and there, but this time I am covered in it. I have never had it this bad before. This isn’t the most annoying problem I have right now…I am loosing my hair. Bloody hell, I am 23; I shouldn’t be going grey and bald.

Anyone that has lived with or known me for any length of time will know that I have a lot of thick hair and that I am always “moulting”. People find my hair everywhere. This time it is different; I actually have clumps of hair coming out and little bald patches. In the places that I am not loosing any hair, I am getting streaks of grey. Ugh!

Add to these problems headaches, nausea, joint pain, ear ache and a sore throat and you have a complete picture of the condition my body is in right now. It has even got to the point that it just about kills me to have sex. Mind you, my sex drive has dropped so low that if I didn’t love having sex with my prince, my legs would be permanently closed. We used to have sex all the time and if he had his way we still would, but for some reason my body just cannot handle much of it anymore. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he makes me orgasm so hard that I feel like my head is going to explode. Guess I cannot complain though, at least I’m getting it and it is FANTASTIC!!!

Now before you all start leaving comments telling me to go and see a doctor, I have something to say. I have had this discussion with my prince and I will tell you all the same thing I told him. I am stressed, I am run down, and I am depressed. The doctor cannot do anything about it. Secondly, don’t tell me to go to the doctors if you wont go there yourself when you are sicker than me!

In short, like everyone else at the moment, I am very sick, I am stressed, I have had enough of my life, a lot of people are shitting me at the moment and I just want to hide away from the world, or even better, pack up and go somewhere where no one can ever find me so I can start my life over again.

Ahh well, that is about it for the ramblings in this part of the world, take care and don’t do anything I wouldn’t.

Sooo Bored

2004-11-07T01:24:00.000+11:00

I am so borred at the moment that I cannot even think staight. There are so many things that I should be doing at the moment, but I just cannot make myself do any of them. Normaly when I am bored I can quiet happy play a number of games on the computer, but for some reason I cannot find a game on here that holds my interest for more that a couple of minutes tonight. It is dreadful when you concider that I have over 1,000 games and none of them interest me.

I know that part of the problem is that I used to be a real book worm. Everyone used to joke about me always having my nose in a book. I stopped reading so much a while ago because my prince would get bored with me ignoring him while I read, and anyway I felt rude. Lately though, my mother has given me some books that she gets each week from the newspaper. This has set me off reading a book every couple of days. It is to bad she only gave me 3 books to read.

If I could get so more sleep I might have more motivation, but alas, I am back into the bad habbit of not sleeping, and haveing major nightmares when I do sleep. There is so much that I know that I need to get off my chest, but there is no one to talk to, I cannot afford to go to the shrink I am ment to see about my pills and everytime I try to write about it all in the rare times I am alone I break down and have to stop.

The problem is, it is like a bad carnaval ride. No matter how much you hate it, you cannot get off until someone decides that it is time to stop. The more depressed I get, the less motivation I have and the border I get. The more bored I get, The more depressed I get. Fun and games.

Ah well, that is about all my attention span will let me write for now, so stay safe, keep smiling and come back soon

Just A Thought...

2004-11-05T03:59:00.000+11:00

Being a female there are things that it is imposible for me to ever truly understand about males. One of these is the way they treat one of their most treasured bodily attachments...Their Cock.

There are guys out there that make a fortune out of twisting their cocks into strange shapes on stage while horney women sit there going "oh ah", or just plain getting wet. To be honest, I have never felt a disire to spend money to see such a performance. Mind you, I don't need to pay, I have my own show at home everyday just seeing the crule things that my prince does to his cock.

Even the way guys shake the life out of it after they pee amazes me. I know that it is a matter of "shaking the drips", but realy, do they have to be so hard on it? Then there is the lovely way they attack it when it comes to "pulling off". I swear that some guys just about rip the bloody thing off with how hard they yank it.

The one thing that has amazed me the most lately is how a male can decided that sex is more importait than preventing harm to their cock. I know that this may seem one of those "I don't want to know" stories, but hell, this is my blog so I am going to tell it...

Recently, durin a very enjoyable, but intense sexual session, there was a little "mishap" that resulted in my prince tearing his fore-skin. I have never seen him go so white from pain, and I cannot blame him. If I had of torn my pussy anywhere as bad as he tore his fore-skin, I would of been screaming. I was sure that that ment the end of our fun for the moment, but I was wrong. After the bleeding had stopped(two minutes), my prince was back in action, the look of pain still on his face. Do you know how hard it is to engoy yourself when you can see that it is killing the other person?

Later that night, my prince showed me the damage...OUCH!!!

I told him that there was no way we were doing anyting until it was healed. He had other ideas. The next morning we were back at it again. Not very smart concidering it kept on tearing. That was when I put my foot down and said not until it is healed. I am such a suck that with in one day, even though I knew that it was still hurting him, I gave in.

Anyway, the good news is that even though it still isnt healed properly, the pain and swelling has eased a fair bit so I can have fun with out the guilt, he can continue to make strange shapes out of it, eg, bow ties...and I am still left to wonder about the interst males have in attacking their cocks.

I am sure that this post has been very confusing and you are sitting there scratching your head saying "What the hell is she on about". The answer to that question is...Nothing realy, just wondering, and trying to make ramdom words into sentances when it is well past my bed time and I cannot type properly.

Till Next Time...Take Care

My Favorite Poem

2004-11-03T23:54:00.000+11:00

Alone

By Edgar Allan Poe

(1830)

From childhood's hour I have not been

As others were; I have not seen

As others saw; I could not bring

My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then- in my childhood, in the dawn

Of a most stormy life- was drawn

From every depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still:

From the torrent, or the fountain,

From the red cliff of the mountain,

From the sun that round me rolled

In its autumn tint of gold,

From the lightning in the sky

As it passed me flying by,

From the thunder and the storm,

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view.

Memories

2004-10-29T11:09:00.000+10:00

Everyday my heart breaks a little with thoughts of the past
Everyday I think about the what ifs
Everyday I see pain in the eyes of the one I love
Everyday I think about how things should be
Everyday I wonder if my wishes will ever come true
Everyday I wonder what I have done to deserve this pain
Everyday I feel the pain of my shattered dreams
Everyday I cry for what I have lost

An Annoying Anonymous Comment

2004-10-26T11:17:00.000+10:00

Ok, heres the deal, I have been writing a lot of posts lately that I haven’t published due to the fact I run out of time ect. I had planned to finish one of them today, but when I logged on to the net and did my usual blog rounds, I found something that pissed me off so much that I just have to bitch about it.

And what was it that pissed me off so much? An on my prince’s blog. As much as I prefer people to identify themselves when they comment on blogs, it doesn’t normally piss me off because the said comments are normally pretty harmless. This one was different.

I was going to just post the link to the post and comment in question, but I decided that I would copy the comment here to save you all from having to hunt for it…Well here it is –

At 11:20 PM, Anonymous said...

If I were to quote (and correct me if I'm mistaken), you wrote: "Warning – this post contains graphic parts of my childhood and how they have come to affect me. This post will disturb most readers and I do not wish for this post to be spoken about under any circumstances."

And let's read that last part again...

"...and I do not wish for this post to be spoken about under any circumstances."

Now - if you didn't want this post to be spoken about under any circumstances...why the fuck would you post it on the internet? If random people come across this and read it, of course they're going to talk about it!! The type of stuff you just wrote about is something you should share with those you can trust...not just random people who come across your Blog on the internet. Do you just want people to feel sorry for you, or do you just want more attention from "Internet Junkies" as yourself?

Why post something which you want to keep private? Hmm...I'm not sure!! But let's ask Nathan - he'd know.

Maybe you should think again before you share your (once-where) "private" thoughts and encounters with the whole fucking World Wide Web. What type of attention do you fucking want from people?

If you want to face up to what happened to you as a child, buddy, the internet is NOT the place to go. I don't respect your honesty in this sense.

Thanks for a, let's say...intriguing Blog to read? I'm sure people were just as disgusted at your lack of respect for keeping certain things private as I was.

Now this is the part where most people would write "Keep up the good work" or "Hope to see more Blogs!". But somehow, I don't think you were expecting me to write certain comments like that. I'm going to say something more like "Think before you act" or to put it in different terms in respect to this topic..."Think about what you're about to fucking write and who's going to read it".

Now I am sure that those of you have bothered to read this far would be thinking so what, that is just the persons opinion ect. Well here is my problem(s) with this comment. The person mentioned my prince’s name. That just screams out that it is someone that knows him outside of the blog world because his name isn’t mentioned on his blog at all.

There is a reason he doesn’t meant his name, he doesn’t want his name in it so he can write about anything he wants with out it being linked to him or anyone else. This is standard with blogs so what right did this person have to name him? How would the commenter like it if his/her name were to be released to everyone on the web?

The few people that know my prince’s real name all have blogger ids so they had no reason to log in as Anonymous. Even if the said person isnt a blogger member, why couldn’t they sign there comment? That means that the person was to gutless to reveal themselves.

Now to what the commenter actually said… “Maybe you should think again before you share your (once-where) "private" thoughts and encounters with the whole fucking World Wide Web. What type of attention do you fucking want from people?”

These thoughts are still private as he does not identify himself, and his blog is an outlet for his own thoughts wants, and needs. It is not written for attention. If it were, he would be publishing his full fucking details so that people knew who he was and where to send the sympathy.

“Now - if you didn't want this post to be spoken about under any circumstances...why the fuck would you post it on the internet? If random people come across this and read it, of course they're going to talk about it!!”

Who gives a fuck if random people talk to there friends about it? If you have half a brain you would realise that my prince does not want to discuss this with anyone, hence why he has put it in his blog and not an email to friends.

I could go on and on about this comment, but I don’t see the point in picking out all the other problems with it. I will just summarise my opinion on it. Writing is a therapy and if writing in a blog is what helps, then people should be allowed to continue with out criticism. If you don’t like what someone writes in their blog, DON’T FUCKING READ IT! If you are going to attack someone, have some guts and reveal yourself. And remember, with the internet, it is very easy to track who has been where when, so don’t think that you can hide, especially when you are stupid enough to reveal things that tell those who know you that it is you.

Well that’s about it for this pointless rant, feel free to comment, but please let me know who you are if you are going to be a cunt about anything I write.

Fuck It All

2004-10-20T13:46:00.000+10:00

I have been asked lately why my blog hasnt been updated and when it will be. The short answer is that I havent had alot of time to waste on my blog. Plus I cannot be fucked with it at the moment. I have to much shit to deal with at the moment and anything I would write would not realy be blog material. So basicly this will probably be the last post for quite awile unless I change my mind and mood about alot of things.

While I am bothering to type here, I will tell you all a few things. I am still stuckin the middle of everyone more than fucking ever. I found out last night that Nathan doesnt want to got to queensland because we are going with my parents. I wish he would tell me either way what he is doing because I am running out of time to plan. On top of that he doens't want the engagement party at their house. That is fucking great!

The house has just been rewired and I have about a weeks worth of work a head of me just to clean up the mess that was made.

That is about all I have time and energy to write right now. I will say this though, I am living in a bad mood lately and it would not be a good idea to cross me or try and tell me to do anything.

Stuck In The Middle…

2004-10-13T15:01:00.000+10:00

Over the years I have become accustomed to people in my life disliking each other, from friends to parents, there has always been someone in my life that doesn’t like someone else. It hasn’t really been that much of a problem because there has always been a way around it, wether it is keeping them apart, or people being “civil” to each other. This time it is different. As you will know from a previous post, there was a major falling out between my mother, stepfather, my prince and myself.

The fact of the matter is, I don’t have many people left in my life so I decided to be level headed and mend things with my mother. I also decided that if my stepfather apologised and explained why he did what he did I would do my best to make amends with him. Last night, my stepfather made a step forward and apologised over the phone. I didn’t bother going into detail with him, as I would rather do it face to face.

Good news? Well only in a small way…

I may be willing to make amends kinda easy, but my prince isn’t. In short he basically hates my parents at the moment. Well I guess hate is a big strong, it is more like really mad at, but it seems like he hates them. This puts me in a really bad position. He wants nothing to do with them at the moment which means that he isn’t exactly going to jump with joy at the thought of visiting them, talking to them ect. On top of this, our engagement party is to be held at their house in January.

My prince wants to move the party. Mind you so do most of the people he is inviting (but that is because they don’t want to travel). The thing that most people don’t realise is that if the party is changed, we will have to pay out a shit load of money (if it is at mums house she will pay). On top of that the date would probably have to be changed again and there would be a shit load of restrictions placed on what can and cannot be done.

On top of this, the four of us are going to Queensland together in November. I know that we don’t all have to be together all of the time, but we will be travelling and staying together and it isn’t going to be to nice if everyone isn’t talking to everyone else or I am the only one that is nice to everyone.

I guess that only time will tell what will happen. I am hoping to get down to my mothers this weekend, but unless my prince wants to go too I wont be, as I don’t want to leave his stuck at home now that he cannot drive.

Well that’s about it for this little ramble. I will keep you all up to date with what happens and if you are really lucky I might even post about something else in the next day or two

Ciao for now…

Major Case Of Lack Of Direction

2004-10-08T01:34:00.000+10:00

Regular readers of this blog (all one or two of you) would have noticed that my posts are all over the place, not just in the form of their subjects, but also in the style of the writing. There is a simple reason for this - my life and my emotions are all over the place at the moment.

To be honest, this blog is far from what I want it to be but I just don't have the energy or motivation to implement the changes and subjects that I want to. As for the poor writing style, it is a result of my mental confusion and depression.

I should know better than to write the way I have been lately due to the fact that I have studied literature, spent my life with my nose in complicated novels, and for a number of years wrote page after page of fiction. I have sat through lesson after lesson about the correct way to write reports, reviews and letters in my years of employment and training in office admin.

I have a number of subjects that I plan to cover in this blog, but I am having trouble centring my attention on any one thing for long at the moment, so they will be sitting as drafts on my computer until I can make my brain concentrate properly. I can tell you that this will hopefully one day become a blog that will engross and intrigue its readers, but for the moment I fear that it will remain a collection of pointless ramblings displayed on a boring template.

On the other hand, if I had some more feed back and or readers of this blog, I might be more inclined to try harder with my blog, but at the moment, My Prince and Filmmaker Extraordinnaire are the only people that link to this blog and at a quick guess, only 3 or 4 people have bothered commenting. I will admit that a number of times I have considered abandoning this blog but I always deem to get talked out of it by the two a for mentioned parties.

In short, I can promise you that this blog will improve in the future (either that or it will become a derelict plot of land in blog world). If anyone has any suggestions on how to improve this blog or the direction the subjects should take, leave me a comment. The more response I get to my blog, the more of my attention I will direct towards it, otherwise I will continue to concentrate on other things in life.

Stay safe and come back soon...

Just A Series About Life...Part 1 - Childhood

2004-10-06T02:45:00.000+10:00

It seems lately that everyone is starting to look at their lives upto this point and think about how good or bad their life has been ect. Don't worry, im not going to sit here and tell you all about my life. One day I might, or it may all come out in lots of smaller posts, but for the moment, I will leave it where it is...buried in my memory.

Anyway, back to my original point. With all this talk about childhoods, and some recent events in my life, it has made me realise how differently everyone sees their upbringing. I know that everything is relitive to the person living the life, and that what may seem like a minor thing to everyone else can be a major thing to the person in question. I know that I am rambling a bit here, but by now I am sure that you are all used to that with this blog. Anyway...

I guess I should try and explain what I am talking about here and why I am. I have spent my life with people telling me all of their problems or asking me for advise. I was once told by a doctor that the reason people come to me with their problems is that because of my depression and the life I have lived, I understand and can relate to them. In alot of cases this is true, but sometimes there are people that I can relate to on a small level and try and guess what they are feeling, but not truly know. At the same time, I know that there are aspects of my life that others can never truly relate to.

Now it is time for me to contridict myself. I know that at the begining of this post I said that everything is relitive to the person living the life. I still agree with this, but at the same time, I think that some people need to put things into perspective. I have had people tell me that they were hard done by as a child because their parents imposed curfues and made them do their homework. How can that be hard done by when at the same time there were children their own age being abused, neglected, beaten and just generaly treated worse than you would treat an animal?

I may winge about my childhood a lot, but at the same time, I can say that I was lucky for alot of things and that there were people that had it alot worse. My childhood screwed me up in ways that can never be repaired, but I am thankful in a way for the childhood I did receive. The funny thing is, unlike alot of people, when I was growing up, I didn't think I had it bad. I thought at times that I had a "normal" life. It was only when I got a little older (about 10), that I realised that something wasnt right. Other people though, think they have it bad when they are kids when they are getting an easy ride, and others still, know that they have it bloody bad but they keep quiet and get on with life.

It is a pitty that there can be no happy medium. Those that have it the worst cannot/will not speak up so there isnt much of a chance that things can be made better, and those that have it good complain so much that people stop listening to kids. If only there was a way to change things, but unfortunatly we live in a world where everyone turns a blind eye to what is truly giong on and wont step in until the victum finds a way to cry out for help.

What Can I Say Realy???

2004-10-03T16:43:00.000+10:00

There are very few people in life that I feel that I can trust. I don't give my trust easy due to the fact that I have had it betrayed so many times. Today, I discovered that I had trusted the wrong person yet again. This time the pain and anger is so great, that I am on the verge of causing physical harm to the person in question. Now if you know me, you will know that I vent and carry on, but when I get hurt I normally just withdraw and let things cool off or get revenge in a peaceful, untraceable way. At the moment, all I want to do is cause physical harm and that makes me feel sick. It makes me wonder if I am turning into my father. I guess I should explain...

A so-so start to the weekend...

It was decided on Friday night that we would go to my mothers yesterday for the weekend. I thought it was a good chance to get out of the house and score some free food. I knew that I had the potential to be a bad weekend the minute we arrived. The look on my mothers face said that she was on the verge of causing trouble. After being dragged around looking at curtain fabric(I know it was for out lounge room, but there are only so many rolls of material I can look at before I go mad), followed by a trip to the hardware to get something for my step father and picking up a few packets of seeds, we returned for lunch. The whole time we were out, I kept asking my mother to take me to look at paper for the engagement invites (I really need to get started on them), but she always seemed to have a reason to not go.

Comments do hurt...

When we had finished lunch, my step father decided to pick on me about all the plants that died when I first brought them home. I will declare here and now, I killed those plants through neglect due to the fact that I was lazy and just didn't give a fuck. I have now pulled my self out of that and are making a massive effort. That is why I spend most days in the garden growing herbs, fruit and veggies. Well, this hurt so I bit back(mildly), and just put it down to him being him. He has always been a bit of a cunt with the things he says, but we normally just let it slide because he does have some good points (I thought).

Ah Peace and relaxment (kinda)...

The day progressed with Mum, My Prince and I doing some potting and washing...in other words, just having a typical weekend. I was quite good, even when my prince went to have a lay down, mum and I just chatted about shit. Why was it so good and relaxing? My step father was in back yard or watching tv in the other room so he wasn't around putting his 2 cents worth in. We ate a good tea, and did some more planning for the engagement party and just continued relaxing. Even though my mother had spent the day niggling at me, it was all going pretty good, and I figured that my original feeling had been wrong.

Some days you just should stay in bed...

I woke up feeling like shit today. Had a head ache, back pain and just felt out of sorts. After eating breakfast, all I wanted to do was wake up a bit more and spend the day pottering around. Instead my mother dragged us down the street to look at this that and everything else. When we got back, mum and my step father started arguing with each other and everyone for some reason. I just walked in and sat down. Not even 5 minutes later, Christine (who I have told you about) turned up. Mum went the back and my step father stayed out the front. While Christine was still there, I decided to put some more clothes in the dryer. Mum walked in with a look of murder on her face and disappeared into her room. As soon as Christine had left, I went to see what was wrong. She wouldn't answer me until I pushed. It was then that she turned around and said "Why do you have a bill the the court for $500?". I thought what the fuck? How did she know about that. I said I don't and she said my step father had found it in my car along with an over due note for my power. That is when I saw red. I turned around asked what he was doing looking in my car. She said that they had been sitting on the back shelf. BULL SHIT!!!

I went and spoke to my prince and the two of us went out to the car. It turns out that both things were in the front of the car in envelopes. For anyone to see them, they would have to open the door, go through a pile of papers and pull them out of their envelopes. That made me even madder. What right did he have to go through my car, look at my PERSONAL papers, and tell my mother what was there. I put everything from the front of the car in the boot, walked inside and had a shower. Once both my prince and I had finished showering, we packed all our stuff together and got ready to leave. In the whole time we were doing all of this, neither my mother or step father came anywhere near us. Once it was all packed, I decided to tell my mother I was leaving.

She then went on to say that I should explain. After telling her a few carefully picked stories, I went I to tell her that my step father had lied about where he found the papers. She then informed me that she would be telling him to move out. This came as a little bit of a shock, but really I am not supprised.

You may be sitting there thinking so what? Its just a family disagreement, get over it. Well it is a little bit more complicated than that. You see the house I live in is owned by both my mother and step father and we rent it off them. If they split, the house will probably be sold and we will be out on our arses. Mind you, even if they don't split, we probably will be out any way. My mother has a bad habit of choosing everyone over me.

On top of that, it is more that a family disagreement. My mother is a few ants short of a picnic, and she blows things way out of proportion. Plus I am so angry at the two of them, that I is looking a bit like I now have no family after recently disowning my biological father. That means that I am on the verge of being Homeless, Familyless and almost Friendless.

I cannot take much more of all the shit that is going on in my life at the moment, and don't know how long I can continue on. Ah well, I am sure that I am being a winger and things will be ok ect, but it really doesn't feel like it. Stay tuned if you are at all interested in seeing what happens with all this...

Nicknames...We All Have Them, But For Different Reasons...

2004-10-02T01:09:00.000+10:00

I felt like doing a blog post so that readers don't get bored and so that I dont get out of the habbit of posting. The problem is, all the interesting topics and subjects that I want/need to get off my chest are either to painfull to deal with at the moment, or I am just not in the mood to try and write them. Anyway, so that you all had something remotely interesting to read, I thought I would explain to you all how I came by my nickname.

Isn't Mutley a Cartoon Character???

In short, yes he is. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about either because they are to young or they never had they joy of the old cartoons, I will explain who Mutley is. He was the star of two very successful cartoons called "The Wakey Races" and "Stop That Pigion". He was ment to be the side kick to a character called Dick Dasterdly, but he always stole the show. Most people remember him as the snickeing dog because of the way he was always laughing.

But you're not a dog or a chartoon character...

Yes I know that I am a person that lives in the real world (well most of the time), but there is a simple reason why I got the name Mutley. In short, when I am over tired, drunk or in a strange mood, I have a habbit of laughing like Mutley, and as I used to be (or maybe still am) obsessed with him, the name stuck.

Thats half of the name, what about the rest???

For alot of years, I have been told by alot of people that I am mad, insane or just genraly off my rocker, so I chose the one term that acctually made sense...Mutley the Mad. I am sure that those readers that actually know me could come up with alot of other nicknames for me, but to be honest with you, I have been know as Mutley for so long, I don't think I could handle being known as anything else.

And The Count Downs Begin

2004-09-30T17:10:00.000+10:00

There are a number of up coming events that I am slowly counting down too. To most people they would seem trivial events, but to me they are important. I thought I would share them with you considering I am trying to find a way for people to understand me and provide updates on our life.

Queensland Holiday - November 2004

After all the stress that everyone has had over the last couple of years, a holiday is well and truly needed. Mind you, it isn't just a holiday for the sake of a holiday, My Prince, My Mother, Step Father and I are flying to Brisbane to see my Aunty Carol for her 60th birthday. She may only be an aunt by marriage, but to me, she is more family than most people I am related too. As I haven't seen her since January last year and she has never met My Prince, I cannot wait.

After we have spent the weekend with her, the four of us are heading down to the sunshine coast for a few days of fun and relaxation(I hope)

Our One Year Annaversery - December, 4th 2004

Ok, to most people, one year may not seem like that long to most people, but when you live my life (for some reason somethings move at a very fast pace in my life), and have gone through some of the things we have, one year is a long time. I guess I should start planning something.

Christmas - December, 25th 2004

I know that everyone knows when Christmas day is, and that some like it and others don't, but for me this year is different for me. This will be the first year the I have a fiance, I now no longer have to try and make allowances for my father and his family. Hopefully this year will be relaxing as we will spend Christmas Day with my mother and her family, and boxing day with My Princes family

Our Engagement Party - January, 29th 2005

As much as I hate being the centre of attention at parties, it will be nice to finally have someone have to the work at a party while I have fun. The party was meant to be split over two separate locations on different dates in October, but as we didn't know what was happening with the court case ect, it was put on hold. Now that we know that everyone is free and well, the party has been rescheduled and will be held at my mothers. After all the work I put into her party, I will make sure she returns the favor. If you think you should be invited, leave me a comment and I will see if we have a space for you...

My Prince Gets His License Back - September, 15th 2005

What is there to say? The world will finally return to the way it should be.

So there you go, those are few things that I am currently counting down to. Enjoy, and please, please comment...

When You Run Out Of Things To Write About...

2004-09-27T22:12:00.000+10:00

I could not decide what to write about in this post, even though I sat staring at the screen for half an hour, so I decided to be girly and boring and put forward my opinion and wants when it comes to weddings.

The location...Church, garden's, registry office, house...

Everyone's opinion of where a wedding should be held differs. A lot of people like to go the traditional approach and get married in a church. That is fine if you follow a religion and like all of the formality, but if you don’t fall into both of those categories, then you are left to find another location. If you are looking for something very low key, then the place to go is a registry office. Registry offices are low cost, and all you need are two witnesses. Personally, the thought of not having family and friends there just does not appeal. Enough of what I don’t like, and on to what I want. I have always wanted a garden wedding. The thought of getting married outside has always been appealing. I think that I have found the perfect place. Not only is it outside, it is also full of animals (on of my greatest loves). The place in question? Ballarat Wildlife Park.

The Reception...Formal, casual, bbq...

Just like the ceremony, everyone has there own opinion of where to hold a wedding reception and the type of reception that is to be had, varies greatly. I am not going to sit here and list all of the options, instead I will tell you about some of the options we have looked at and ultimately what I would like. The first option is, the full-blown reception centre. At first I thought that this is what I wanted until I looked around at what was on offer. If you can afford the enormous price tag ($100+ per head), and want to be put on show in a fully formal reception, then this is the best option for you. After spending hours looking at many options, it was finally decided what we really wanted. To a lot of people, the following may sound kinda boring, but to us and a lot of people we know, it sounds like a great idea. In short, we will have the reception at home. That way we can provide good tasty food, make, as much noise as we like, there is no finish time, people can stay the night, and we can all be happy and comfortable.

The Bridal Party…How many people do you need…

I always grew up thinking that when you got married, you had to have a lot of bridesmaids and groomsmen. That would be fine, except for the fact that we don’t have enough friends to have as attendants. There are one to two people that could be considered for the position of best man or groomsmen, but we are still left with the problem of no female attendants. Maybe I should just have male bridesmaids? LOL

Well I think I will leave it at that for the moment. There is a lot more details that I can and should put in here, but in all honesty; I have run out of energy. Stay tuned…if you are lucky, I might finish giving you the details.

Where Are The Socks?

2004-09-26T02:16:00.000+10:00

I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to socks, I am cursed. All of my life, I have ended up with a heap of odd socks, and I have always been told that it is because I don’t pair them ect, but I am of a different opinion. Everyone that ends up living with me starts to end up with odd socks, even if they do their own washing and I go now where near their socks.

It has gotten to the stage now that, even though I should have about 30 pairs of socks, I have no choice but to wear odd socks if I need socks. Now for some people this wouldn’t be a problem, but for me, with my OCD, and the fact that all my socks have pictures on them, it makes it very hard.

So, what is the point of this post? Nothing really, I just want to know if anyone can tell em where all the socks go, and why it is always me that the sock fairy decides to steal from.

If you can help me out, post a comment, hell, post a comment even if you cannot help

P.S. I really shouldn’t write blog posts when I am this tired…

Why Im Not A Very Nice Person Right Now

2004-09-23T02:43:00.000+10:00

If you know me, and talk to me you will notice that I'm not all that nice at the moment. Here are the reasons for it all (well as many as I can be bothered explaining) :-

1. I rely on Anti Depressants to live. Three days ago I ran out. This is a majorly bad thing concidering I am now going through major withdrawals
2. I am addicted to Diet Coke and Smokes and I cannot afford either of these. Now before you start saying "So what" or "Well Quit", I will tell you this...It is fucking hard, especially considering I dont have my ADs.
3. I have no money and the power is on the verge of been cut off
4. My Prince is being made to do counceling that is bringing up a lot of stuff that is causing him heaps of pain and I cannot help him...I always thought counceling was ment to help people not hurt them...
5. Everyone is pushing my buttons and making me bite.

Ahh what the fuck, I cannot be bothered writting any more on this...I will leave it at this...DON'T PUSH ME RIGHT NOW!!!

What Is The Attraction?

2004-09-22T16:39:00.000+10:00

Lately, my prince and I have started watching alot of childrens cartoons on ABC. At first it was just for a laugh, but for some reason, we have just about become addicted to these shows. i cannot figure out what the attraction to these shows is, but for some reason, we just have to watch them.

Ahh well, I guess I had better get back to the cartoons while you get on with your reading

I have a valid reason...I realy do...

2004-09-20T22:21:00.000+10:00

Ok, I am falling well and truly behind in my posting lately, but i do have a good reason for it...and no, that reason is not that i am lazy.

I am currently in the process of redesigning this blog and wasnt going to post until I had finished it, but it is taking longer than expected. To add to that, I have also been running around with things in relation to My Princes' court case as well as trying to digest everthing that has been going on.

Anyway, rest assured, I will soon be posting again, and you will probably start wishing i would go bak to not writing.

In the mean time, check out some of the blogs I have linked on the right hand side.

Some VERY Good News...A Quick Update

2004-09-15T23:42:00.000+10:00

I have a very long post about todays outcome coming in the near future, but I decided to give a quick update and provide you all with some very good news. In a nutshell, Nathan is a free man. Although he has a number of convictions and will have to pay for what he has done, he is not in jail.

Although todays events have not full sunk in, all I can say is that I am extramly happy that Nathan is here with me, and that we can continue to try and imporve our life together.

I Give up...Everything Is Fucked...Nothing Matters Anymore

2004-09-13T19:14:00.000+10:00

This post is simply for me to get shit off my chest. As you will work out from the title, I am in a bad mood. Here are the reasons or the bad mood.
1. On Wednesday, Nathan goes to court. There is a chance that he is going to jail. As far as he is concerned, he is definately going. I just dont know what to think anymore.
2. Everytime I try and plan something, everything gets screwed up.
3. I am powerless to help Nathan with his pain.
4. My internet connection keeps fucking up...as far as they are concerened it is a fault with us, but that is a lie because we can connect using other isp's
5. I have become so weak that I cannot do even the most simple things in life. I used to pride my self on my strength, now just carrying a couple of bits of fire wood makes me feel like my arms are breaking.
6. I have so much pain in my heart over alot of things, an no-one to talk to about it, that I feel like my heart is broken beyond beleif.

Well, thats about all there is to say, I will let you know what happens in the future if I can be bothered.

Explanation, details and just a general whinge

2004-09-13T01:24:00.000+10:00

I really don't know what to write, or even what I should really be writing about, so I will just let it all come out and see what happens.

To start with, I will explain why the blog was temporally taken down. In short, Nathan and I had a major break up, and I didn't really want all the old details online, until things were resolved. Well things did get resolved, so the blog got put back up.

Not again...

When the break up happened, I made the mistake of trying to talk to a friend about it. Why was this a mistake? I had hoped for a small amount of compassion, but all I received was "Not again. You two are always breaking up" For the record, we are not always breaking up. In fact, including this last time, it has been three break-ups. Now I know that most people would think that 3 break-ups in 9 months is a hell of a lot, but if you knew all the reasons for the break-ups, you would know that it is nothing. I was going to write about the reasons and happenings of this break up and the others, but I have decided that this is not the time or the place. As I have been told, it is personal, and no one really wants to know anyway.

What is a fuck between friends...(ogie the insane, 2004)

When most people break up or are fighting badly, the last thing the want to do is jump in the sack with the other person. With us this was not the case and has never been. We have decided that just because at time we cannot be in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with a casual fuck or two. This is great in theory, but it did cause a bit of confusion. The funniest part of the whole thing would of had to of been the line "Is it wrong to be horny?" As you will of worked out, that lead to us fucking.

Don't Give Up On Love...

After days of tears and tension, a wonderful thing happened. We were finally able say what was bothering both of us and work past it. The pain and anger that was caused by this break up would normally be enough to make me run a mile. This time I couldn't let go. I love Nathan to much to just lay down and let him go. I think he feels the same, otherwise he would not still be here after all that I have done to him. As for why I stick around...I love him so much that just thinking about life with out him hurts like hell.

And the wedding is...On Hold

We have decided that we will stay engaged, but for now, there wont be a wedding. There are other things that are more important to us. I still want to marry Nathan, and if we had the money I would do it tomorrow if he wanted to, but for the moment, we are just going to take life as it comes. As much as I would love to have a wedding, it isn't essential because we know that we love each other, and we both want things like a house and kids more.

Well after staring at this for two hours, I think I should end this here...Stay tuned for more boring ups and downs.

Back On Track? I Hope So

2004-09-12T13:45:00.000+10:00

Ok, you will have noticed that this blog has been changing lately, as well as a few strange thigs appearing on it. To put it simply, I was sick of the way it was, so I decided to change it. As you will have guessed, the last post (which has now been deleted) was me testing things out.

As for the coments changing, and all previous comments dissapearing, I have decided to run Haloscan, meaning I had to get rid off the old commenting system and all the comments with it.

I am also slowly changing me links on the right hand side. I am trying to find more blogs to add, plus a few more things that might be intersting to readers.

As for why the blog was temperaly taken down? The short answer is something happened in my life that greatly upset me, and i decided that i didnt want all my posts online, until a few things were resolved. I will write more on this latter.

Well thats i for now, stay tuned for a couple of very long posts and more blog changes.

Please Welcome Me Back To Blog Land

2004-09-09T03:55:00.000+10:00

Dont you just love people who cannot make up their minds? Yes this means that i have changed my mind about this blog being taken down, and have decided to put everything back up again.

Enjoy, and please welcome me back to blog land

2004-09-07T15:17:00.000+10:00

Until Further Notice, this blog is out of action. If you want to know why, contact me.

Nathan and I

2004-09-06T17:03:00.000+10:00

sarah&Nathan1
Originally uploaded by Mutley.

A couple of interesting things have happened of late. If you have read my previous posts, you will know that not so long ago I got some photos developed. Well as a result of that, I now have some photos of my prince and I.

On top of that, I have recently set up a Flickr account, and decided that I would take the chance to test it out and show you one of the photos all in one go.

When does it take 2 days for 1-hour photos?

2004-09-03T21:50:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I decided to get some photos from the weekend developed, so I took them to a local chain store that does very good photo processing in an hour for a reasonable price. The problem is, when I walked up to the counter and asked for them to be developed, I was told they wouldn’t be ready until Saturday morning. I asked why and was informed that they had just gotten a new machine put in and there was a major backlog.

Now I have no problem with them getting new machines ect, what I don’t like is that they were still advertising 1 hour photo processing. What is to stop them from putting up a sign saying that there is a delay in the processing? If people are going to put them in and wait the time they will, but it wont come as such a shock, and it wont waste the time in the staff and the people that do not wish to leave the film.

Anyway, stay tuned, because once I get those photos back, I will finally be able to show you some current photos of the puppies, and finally, a photo or two of my prince and I together.

One Hell of a Weekend

2004-09-02T03:00:00.000+10:00

I know that my prince has already written about the weekend just gone, but I decided what the hell, I will write it from my point of view, mainly because he left so much out.

It all started with us having to find away to get 5 puppies from Ballarat to Sunbury where their new owners were picking them up. I wont go into all the details of that ordeal as my prince has already written an in depth account of it. I will simply say that the worst part wasn’t the long trip down; it was seeing all my little “babies” go to live with someone else. I would also like to mention here that I was extremely sore after tripping over a puppy the night before while I had their 20kg mother in my arms. It resulted in me badly jarring my entire body, but manly my back and right arm. This resulted in me not sleeping properly, and waking up cranky and sore.

Once all the pups were gone, it was time for breakfast four hours after we first got out of bed. After chucking on a load of washing it was decided that we would go with my mother to look at fireplaces. It had been decided over the past couple of weeks that we would get an insert firebox instead of the free standing type we had originally looked at. It worked out well considering we had decided that we wanted to buy it from the place we got my mothers from, and they currently had a sale on. It took less than 20 minutes for the 3 of us to agree on what we wanted and for my mother to put a deposit on it. By next winter it will be installed and we will have a decent fire at last…Yay.

If I am around, don’t plan on buying just one thing

From there we had to go and get bread. A trolley full of food bought for us latter, we were on our way back to my mothers for lunch and a rest. It seemed that everyone but me enjoyed the hot dogs we had for lunch. It latter turned out that they gave most of us a really bad case of wind. While we were eating lunch, we started talking about a new clearance store. My prince and I managed to convince my mother to go there for a look. Even though we weren’t meant to be buying anything, we ended up with another pile of things for us to take home. We were meant to go straight home, but we ended up at the pet shop down the road. Thanks to my mother, I now have a brand new heater and air pump for when I set up my turtle tank.

Finally, a chance to relax

Once we got back to my mothers house, I did some more washing while my prince and I chatted to my mother. I decided to have a lay down on the couch for a couple of minutes. The problem is I was so exhausted I fell asleep. My prince was sweet enough to get me a blanket and let me sleep while he chatted to my mother. God only knows what they found to talk about. :S I woke up in time for a delicious chicken parmigiana dinner.

It was a pretty uneventful night after that with us continuing with the washing and catching up. I ended up passing out on the couch from the painkillers I had taken for my back. I feel sorry for my prince who was stuck sleeping alone in a cold bed.

The next day started off well…

If only it had of stayed that way. We were having a bbq for my step father’s birthday. My stepsister Fiona and her kids were running late, so I talked Christine into buying some Bundy’s for my prince and I. Once Fiona and the kids arrived, things started to get moving. We sat down to a large lunch, which was quite enjoyable. Christine’s other half Matt turned up whilst we were eating…that was interesting considering they hardly said two words to each other.

After lunch, I decided to check my emails. That was a good idea in principle, until Fiona and the girls decided to attach themselves to me and my prince decided he had drunk to much and had a lay down. I finally got rid of Fiona and the girls, only to have them replaced by Christine, Matt and my prince. I was then nagged by Christine to look at the websites for the Sunbury nightclub called “The Attic” , and Matt’s band called “Limestone”. All I can say is that I was far from impressed by the quality of those two websites.

After all that, the grog that my prince had drank finally took full effect and he started talking about driving home drunk and killing himself. This caused me to really snap at him, resulting in me getting into a foul mood and him storming off to bed. Not long afterwards I went into talk to him. That is when I got my head bitten off. I had had enough so I turned around and told him it was his life and he could do what ever he wanted with it. After a while, my prince reappeared and put on a happy face and stopped drinking.

A change is as good as a holiday

I have grown up hearing this and decided along time ago that it is a load of crap, but I decided it was a good excuse to dye my hair. I have spent most of my life as a red hair, until it slowly changed to a strange mixture of brown, blonde and god knows what. In short I hated it and wanted it red again. I some how managed to talk Christine into buying the dye and doing it for me. While I was sitting in the bathroom with a towel around my neck and dye being put in my hair, we remembered that I had some streaking kits at my mothers that would be perfect for my prince’s hair. The couple of hours that it took to do both of our hair colouring were quite a lot of fun.

I think before I continue, I should tell you a little bit about my “relationship” with Christine. Once upon a time, we were best friends, she even lived with my mother and myself at one stage. We went through a lot of shit together and I would of done almost anything for her, until she betrayed and stabbed me in the back. For some reason, she thinks she is my best friend. I personally don’t like her, but I promised my mother when Christine moved back in with them that I would be nice and keep the piece. Plus I figured the little bitch owed me, so she could suck up to me all she liked. One of the main reasons I have a problem with her is, if I have a guy, she has to have them, no matter whom she is with. Everyone could see that she was out to get my prince from the start, until she found out who and what he knew. From that day on, she did all she could to stay on his good side, while looking him up and down at the same time.

Well, back to my story. If you have ever coloured your hair, you will know that you need to wet it down, and the easiest way to do this is to have a shower. Through out the whole process, my prince and I had a number of showers. So what you ask? Well Christine was making sure she watched us the whole time. At one stage, it looked like she was about to start a 3some. My prince and I found it all quite funny. Mind you, the whole thing was making both of us extremely horney. We both couldn’t wait to get home and have a good fuck.

The colouring of my hair went quite well…I cannot say the same for the tipping of my prince’s hair. Christine had led us to believe that she knew how to tip hair. It soon became obvious that she didn’t know the first thing about it. It took forever for her to figure out the right way to put the tipping cap on, then she had trouble working out how to mix up the bleach. Alarm bells really started ringing when she was pulling the hair through the cap. It looked like she was about to rip it right out of his head. Once the hair was all pulled through the cap, it was time for the bleach to be applied. The one thing that Christine failed to mention was that “If burning sensation felt…wash out immediately”. Even though it was meant to be left in for 45 minutes, after 15 minutes, my prince had to wash it out.

While he had a shower to wash it out, Christine just happened to find a hell of a lot of reasons to be in the bathroom with him. I got a bit sick of her being in there alone with him so I decided to join them in the bathroom. The funny thing is, Christine didn’t see me coming…I caught her staring at his cock. I personally don’t blame her, he is a VERY large man. Once our hair was done, we thought that we were finally allowed to go home…how wrong we were.

We decided to start packing the car. As we walked out the front, we could hear yelling, then Christine screamed out “call the cops”, I asked why and she said “just call the cops”. It was then that I realised that the other voice I could here was Steve. Ok, so you don’t know who Steve is right? Well here is a bit of boring history for you.

The history of Steve

About 5 years ago, Christine and I met him at the nightclub called “Cactus” that we always went to. He was a friend of a friend basically, and he took an instant interest in Christine. In a short time they ended up together. After awhile, she got knocked up and decided to have an abortion. This is when his true colours started to show. He wanted her to have the kid so that he could prove that she had cheated and it wasn’t his. Pretty low in my opinion. Everyone knew that he was the only one she was fucking. Now anyone in their right mind would of gotten out then, but not her. She decided a while after that to move in with him. That is when the drinking and control really came out. He drank all their money and treated her like his possession. She couldn’t do anything with out his permission.

When they got kicked out of the unit they were living in, instead of taking the chance to leave him, she moved to another place with him. They were living near my mothers so I saw quite a bit of her then. She was his slave, but I decided that was her problem. One night I was at my mothers with my boyfriend of the time while they went out for the night. Christine came over for a couple of drinks while Steve was out. It was a good night except for Christine and my boyfriend getting to drunk and throwing up. Just after those two went to their respective beds, my parents came home. I sat and talked to them for a while then we all went to bed. Less than an hour after we went to bed, Christine woke mum up and asked her to drive her home…this was 4am. Half an hour later I got up and found Christine missing and went to ask mum where she was…my step father told me that mum had driven her home and that they had rang not long afterwards to say that Steve had smashed up the house and the cops had been called. Mum and Christine were at the police station and Steve had been arrested. I was worried so I stayed up until mum got home at 6am. She said Christine had gone home and that there was a restraining order against Steve. Christine wanted to stay with mum for awhile, so later in the day we went around there to collect her and some stuff. What do you know, Steve was there. The stupid little bitch was letting him breach the restraining order, and that wasn’t the last time she did that.

She ended up going back to him and dropping all charges against him. When they got kicked out because of the damage to the house, they moved in with his parents. The abuse continued, but she was too gutless to do anything about it. When he said at the beginning of this year that he was moving to Perth, she moved back in with my mother. This was a major mistake on my parents’ part.

All was fine for a while, but then Christine started hanging around with Steve again. He ended up threatening my stepfather and throwing things at the house. This led to my mother taking a day off work to go to court with Christine to get a full restraining order against him. This would have been fine, except she still continued to see him, even after she was told that if she was caught talking to him she would have to move.

Honestly, how stupid can a person be? Well we found out Sunday night.

And now we will return to the current point of this post…

As soon as I figured out what was going on, I ran in side, told my mother and told her to ring the cops. Because she was the house owner she had to place the call. My prince and I then went back out the front to see what the fuck was going on. When we got just outside the front door, I saw Christine fall to the ground near my stepfather’s car, while Steve walked over to the garden and picked up an extremely large rock. When my prince yelled out to him, he threw the rock at the car and ran. All I heard was a massive smash and bang all in one. The back window had been smashed and there was glass everywhere. I bent down to see if Christine was alright. She wouldn’t say anything to me. Straight after mum and Matt came outside. I told Matt to get her inside while I talked to mum. As I went to step around her, I knocked her with my foot, the bitch had the nerve to yell at me for kicking her. I believe my exact words were “Fuck you”.

I went inside to get a smoke and saw my prince and Matt carrying Christine inside. They put her on the couch and she lay there like she was dying. I went back outside with the others to wait for the cops. We didn’t have to wait long. Once they turned up, things started to move very fast. My mother and I spoke to one police officer, while the other one spoke to the others and looked at the car.

Once the cops left, we all headed inside. It was then that we realised that someone was going to have to get my step fathers car fixed the next day, and he couldn’t afford to take the day off to do it. I then make an offer that I lived to regret. I offered to spend an extra night so that I could get it fixed the next day, while my prince went home to look after the dogs. I so badly wanted to go home with him that I cried as he left. After he left I logged on to the net in order to await his arrival home.

I decided to chat to a couple of people, mainly Filmmaker Extraordinnaire. Just when my prince was due home, I heard a knock at the door. Now this scared the shit out of me. I thought that it was Steve, so I slowly walked to the door and went to pull back the curtains. That is when I heard a voice all out, “Its ok, it’s the police.”

I opened the door to find the two police officers that had been there earlier in the night. They explained that Steve had been arrested and that they needed to come in and talk to me and Christine. This worried me, because I couldn’t figure out what they wanted with me. It turns out that because I knew steve and was able to id him, they needed to take a statement from me. It is funny how the cops can twist your words around to make them mean what they want. They also told christine that she had to go to the station to make a statement. You should of seen how scared she was.

Anyway, they took her away and told me that if steve ever turned up at the house to call the police and he would be arrested. This was the first bit of good news we had had. I went up stairs to the computer to discover that I had missed my prince when he called in to a friends house and that I would have to wait even longer to talk to him. I went and woke mum up and told her about the police so she got up and had a cuppa with me, then went back to bed. Not long after my prince made it home and I was finally able to talk to him. Christine walked in not long after that and decided to attach herself to me, making it very hard to talk to anyone. My prince couldn’t talk long as he was exhusted, so he went to bed, and I was left with christine and Filmmaker Extraordinnaire.

It was then that my evil side took over. I decided to fuck with christines head. You see, she has often wondered wheither or not I am bi. For all you out there, I will tell you the truth. I am straight, I just have a small thing for women (which my prince likes to remind me), but I never do anything about it. Just for the hell of it I decided to make her and FE think that I wanted a 3some or 4some with them. I would like to set the record straight right here, I will never have sex with either of them, no matter what! If anyone takes offence at that, I am sorry. I thought about putting in a copy of part of the chat log from this convo, but I didn’t realy think it was fair considering it was a kinda private convo.Anyway, this hillarious conversation went on until about 2.30am, I decided it was time to go to bed, concidering I had to get up at 6.20am.

The next thing I can remember is the phone ringing

Now this freaked me out. When I went to bed the phone was not in my room and now here it was on the bed with me. I answered it to discover that it was my mother who was at work. It turns out that she had gotten me up when they left for work at 6.20am. I went to the toilet and back to bed. She told me she was putting the phone on the bed. I cannot remember any of it. Anyway I dragged my self out of bed just before 7.30am and started taking the photos of the car that the cops needed. At 8am Christine decided to get up and “keep me company”. More like she wanted to suck up to me. Once 8.30 came I rang and booked someone to come and replace the rear window. He said he would be there between 10.30 and 12pm. I decided to chat to my prince for a while when I got bored at about 11am. It was so good to chat to him again. Needless to say, Christine would not leave me alone.

Once the glass man turned up I was able to escape from her for a while and talk to my prince some more. Now as you may have guessed, I wasn’t really in the best of moods that day, well to make me even moodier, my monthly visitor decided to arrive early. I was not happy. At least talking to my prince cheered me up. After the window was fitted and the man had been payed I was finally able to go for a walk and get a few necessities. I thought that it would be a nice chance to get some piece, but I was wrong…Christine tagged along and started asking me to help her pack her stuff considering mum had told her she had to move. I just said maybe and kept on walking. Once we got back, I could barely move because my back was so sore, so I sat down and refused to move for a couple of hours. As you may have guessed, not much of interest happened in this time.

Finally 4pm came. This meant that I was allowed to drive the car because the window would have set enough. I rushed down the street in the hope I could get some photos of the puppies developed, but they said no they were getting a new machine and it would take a week before I would get them back. I decided not to bother, so I decided that I would do something nice for my stepfather and go to the car wash and use the big vacuum there to get most of the glass out of the car. That is not a good thing to do when you have a sore back. I then went and bought what I needed for dinner and returned to mums.

I cooked tea while I waited for my parents to get home. Once they were home and dinner had been eaten, it was finally time to ring my prince and tell him that we were on out way. It had been decided earlier in the day that my mother would drive me to a servo that is about half way to my place, where we would meet my prince and he would drive me the rest of the way. It felt so good to finally be on my way home.

It was an uneventful trip to the servo except of the fact that at times I wondered if mum’s car would make it all the way. I don’t think I have ever been so happy to see our beat up corolla in my life. As soon as we were all out of the cars, I just couldn’t stop myself hugging my prince.

Needless to say that this not where all of life ended, but it is where this part of the story of life ends, so I bid you good reading and remind you to COMMENT.

The Joys of competitive Natures

2004-09-01T14:54:00.000+10:00

I have come to the conclusion that the closer you get to a person, the more competitive you both get. By now you will all know that my prince both have blogs. So what you say? Well this has started a competition with the statistics. This has been dubbed Blog Wars.

Here are the categories that are part of the "war":

Profile Views - Obviously this is the amount of times that people have viewed your profile. My prince is currently winning this one with a score of 161 to 136.

Comments - This is the amount of comments left on your blog. Yet again i am loosing this 7 to 1.

Word Count - This of course is the total number of words on your blog. Finally something that I am winning with. The current score is 9,506 to 9,367. Mind you mine will be alot larger once i post this.

So come on readers...Help me get in the race, leave a comment or 10, and spread the word to get more people reading it.

Part 3: In the story of me…

2004-08-31T01:50:00.000+10:00

This weeks topic - Our House, is a very very fine house…

Ok this is a major exaggeration on the truth, but it sounds good doesn’t it? Well it is a house, but that is as close to that statement as it will ever get.

I thought I would tell you all about the house we live in considering it is a major part of my life. To start with, I will give you a brief summary of the house. It is a 1930’s era house, which has an extension added in order to accommodate the laundry and bathroom. It has two bedrooms, a lounge room, kitchen, bathroom and laundry. It is weatherboard with open fireplaces in the lounge room and master bedroom. Sounds nice doesn’t it? Well it isn’t.

From the minute you go to open the front door you know something isn’t right. To start with, you have to bash the door just to get it open due to the fact it jams against the floor. The stained glass in the window is held together with cardboard and sticky tape. Once you step inside you see that the two bedroom doors (one on each side) do not close because they suffer from the same problem. The spare room consists of a single bed, a wardrobe, an old organ and a shit load of boxes. The master bedroom is of a lot more interest. There is an open fireplace that we don’t use because of the fire risk. We have quite nice furniture in there, but you cannot see it for all the clothes that are laying everywhere.

The lounge room is basically where we live. At the moment, you really wouldn’t want to be anywhere near it. After having 5 puppies in if for 8 weeks, there is not much left intact. In short we have an open fire, two couches that have been shredded by the dogs, two computer chairs, a desk, heaps of computer equipment that is spread every where, a messed up book shelf and more mess than you can imagine.

The kitchen is a miss-matched collection of old cupboards and electric stove. I think the only things that like going in there at the moment are the mice. No matter what we do, we cannot get rid of the little fuckers. Our microwave has a bad habit of changing the time that it thinks it should be. One day it will be an hour fast, the next day it will be 2 hours slow. The fridge has a bad habit of freezing everything in some parts and not staying cool in other parts, which makes it very hard to keep food fresh.

And now on to the most screwed up area of the house…the bathroom and laundry. The hallway between the two rooms has massive holes in the floorboards that were covered with lino, until Houdini was kind enough to dig it up. The laundry has no power at all. I mean if we want to use the washing machine we have to run a power lead from another room. It is currently being used as a storage area for washing that we cannot be bothered doing and shit that has no home.

When you walk into the bathroom, the first thing you notice is it is PINK. I hate pink. All that is in there is a very deep but narrow bath, and a washbasin. The orange lino on the floor is flaking and rotting because it has been to damp for to long. If you have a bath for more than 10 minutes you end up with a major case of claustrophobia.

You walk through the bathroom in order to get to the toilet. I swear, I have never seen such a large room allocated for a toilet. Mind you, the hot water service is in there as well. For some reason I find that strange.

Now if all that sounds bad, listen to this. The wiring is so old that the lights spark out on a regular basis, and we have to change every light glob at least once a week and most of the power points don’t work. The good news is, we are getting the whole house rewired in the near future. But that will not fix the hot water problem. The person who lived here before us, had some strange ideas. He changed the hot water pipes around for some reason, resulting in virtually no hot water pressure.

Well, that is the short description of the house. Once I get my hands on a digital camera, I will post some photos for you. Plus I might get around to describing the outside of the house and surrounding area. Until then…

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do :)

Part 2: What not to do while having sex

2004-08-26T13:25:00.000+10:00

Warning – This post contains sexually explicit content that may seem disturbing to some readers.

Ok, I may not have been having sex for a lot of years and I may not of had that many partners, but I have discovered that there are a few things that you should not do while having sex. My Prince and I have decided to compose a bit of a list in the hope that we can help others avoid making these same mistakes. LOL.

Do not laugh! After turning my partner off many times, I have learnt that one of the quickest ways to turn a person off is to laugh while having sex. It is human nature to think that you are being laughed at. This can be a problem when you are inclined to laughing fits.

Wetness and lubrication – It is best to have sex when the girl is sufficiently wet in order to aid penetration. A myth that lies around this is that a girl can never be too wet. I have learnt from experience that if you use too much lube or the girl cums too much you may have a slight problem. If there is too much wetness, the male is likely to get turned off by the lack of sensation, not good for the girls ego!

Watching Porn – Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with porn…I quite like it and often find myself downloading it. I like to watch it in the lead up to sex on occasion and find it a good source of ideas for positions ect. I draw the line at watching it while having sex though. After many bad experiences with one of my ex’s I have discovered that in most cases one of the persons involved will spend more time watching the porn than watching the person they are having sex with. This is a major turn off, especially when the person watching the porn gets off more while watching it than while having sex with out it.

Don’t answer the phone – Ok sounds simple, but sometimes it is sooo hard to resist a ringing phone. It is a big turn off for both parties believe me. For some reason every time we decide to have sex, my mother rings. We don’t know how she manages it, but we have worked out a solution, leave the net running and turn off the mobile. If you don’t have the net on, take the phone off the hook (but I would like to know how you are reading this if you are in that position :S)

Don’t sing – If you are the sort of person that likes to have music on while you are having sex, don’t give into the urge to sing along, no matter how catchy the tune is.

Don’t mention other people – There is nothing worse than having sex with someone and they mention someone else. What is worse is when the scream out someone else’s name. If you have a problem with calling out the name of a particular person, the best thing to do is make sure you only pick up people with that same name…lol.

Don’t fart while receiving head – How much do I really have to explain this one? Put quite simply it is disgusting and usually ends up in the giver gagging and bad things happening to the receiver.

Don’t talk to animals – If there is an animal in the room for some stupid reason and that animal is upset about something, do not try and comfit the said animal. Let me explain. It was New Years Eve and we decided to fuck in the New Year. The only problem we were at my mothers and the fireworks freaked one of her dogs. In order to stop him from climbing up on the bed with us I patted him. That wasn’t to bad until I told him he was a “good boy”. My prince thought I was talking to him and became aroused, a moment latter he realised I was talking to the dog…boy did he get turned off. He walked out of the room in disgust.

That is about all that I can think of for the moment. If you think of anymore that need to be added to the list…leave me a comment. Don’t forget to keep an eye out of the next instalment in the series.

Welcome to My New Series - My Life

2004-08-26T03:39:00.000+10:00

Todays topic - An explanation of my family

Ok, for some twisted reason, I decided that I would talk about the people who make up my family. So, where to start...

Nathan (my prince charming), The most important. Nathan and I met via an Internet chat program at the end of last year. I hadn't been out of a relationship long and I want really looking for another serious one, and neither was he. For some reason we hit it off straight away. After spending many hours talking to each other on the net, phone (including my one and only attempt at phone sex) and via sms, we finally met. Since that day (4th December 2003), we have been inseparable except for a couple of times when we have had our differences over a few things. Like all great love stories, we worked through all the shit and are now engaged.

Nathan has a number of interests (other than me). His main passion is cars. He drives them, fixes them, rebuilds them, crashes them, and then rebuilds them again. He also loves doing all of those things to computers as well. :) He has been called a nerd, but he knows way too much about sex and cars to be a nerd. He is sexy, even though he will never admit it. To see just how sexy he is, have a look at my fotopic site.

My mother - What can I say? Well to start with, here name is Beryl, which is also the name of a precious stone. I don’t know if she was named after it or my grand parents just had strange ideas. There isn’t a lot that I can tell you that would be of a lot of interest other than, she is 56 going on 57. She is currently engaged and lives with her fiancé Bob, her two dogs Boss and Chloe (who were originally mine) and an uncountable number of birds. She works full time, love gardening when she get the chance and cannot wait until the day she retires.

My Step Father - Well his name is Bob as I have said. To sum him up, he is over weight, an alcoholic, needs a knee reconstruction and has no life other than his birds and watching/listening to sport. He is obsessed with his favourite AFL team, StKilda. He loves my mother and looks after her so I cannot complain too much I guess. He works full time and spends a lot of his weekends looking after his birds. He is currently breading lovebirds, canaries and some very noisy parrots.

My Father – In summery, my fathers name is Max and he is controlling pain in the arse. I will leave it at that.

My Mother-in-Law – Annette is a very caring person that has tried to make me part of the family…the only down side is that she is also very controlling, even though she tries not to be. I am a bit worried about her at the moment, I think that she is on the verge of a major break down with everything that is going on in the world at the moment.

My Father-in-Law – Rob has two passions in his life, his family and his trains. Some people may think that he loves his trains more, but I have learnt from spending a lot time watching him interact with his family and can honestly say his family will always mean more to him than anything else. He has a unique ability to be able turn anything in life so that it relates to trains.
My Sister-in-Law – Jemima is Nathan’s older sister. She is a nice person, but likes to always be in control of people and gets a little jealous if other people aren’t giving her the attention. She is currently going out with a great guy called Clint that lives in a town with a strange name near Geelong. It is only a matter of time until they are married and popping out the kids.

My Step Family – Ok, this lot is a really mixed bunch that I really couldn’t be bothered breaking up into groups. Bob has two children, Fiona and Craig. Craig lives near Fremantle with his wife and two kids Dan and Rochelle. I have never met any of them so there isn’t really anymore I can say about them.

Fiona is married to Brian (it is her 2nd marriage and his 3rd). They have two beautiful little girls, Ebony and Tayla. Ebony is quite and shy, where as Tayla is as cheeky as you can get. Bob calls her a dirt bag (not in a mean way) and I would have to agree with him on that one. I personally don’t like a lot of things about Fiona, but I will admit she has proven herself a number of times. I cannot see Fiona and Brian staying married much longer, but they might stick it out for the kids. Brian is currently and interstate bus driver which means he doesn’t get to spend a lot of time with the girls, but sometimes we have to make those sacrifices to feed our family.

I have a large extended family, both on my mother and fathers sides. I would write about them all, but in reality, I don’t see the point as I don’t really like most of them.

So there you go, there is my family in a nutshell for you. Hope you enjoyed this little insight into my life…stay tuned for more pointless posts about myself.

An Appology

2004-08-23T19:10:00.000+10:00

I wish to say to someone that has been there for me, that I neglected to mention in last post. After I had posted my blog, Filmmaker Extraordinnaire pointed out that I had forgoten to mention how good of a friend he has been and how much we have spolen lately. In my anger, I forgot how much of a good friend he is, so here is my public appology.

I am Sorry, I would miss your friendship if I didn't have it

2004-08-22T16:04:00.000+10:00

From now on, it is very unlikely that this blog will be updated. I have nothing to say that is of interest to anyone that would even bother reading it, and quite frankly, i cannot be fucked with it anymore.

The few people that have even bothered talking to me of late have either decided that they dont want to know me, or just dont want to hear what is realy going on in my life. For those that are interested for some fucked up reason, here is the general run down of my life:

1. I hate my life
2. Basicly eveyone in the world hates me
3. Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong
4. I have no friends, and have decided that I realy dont want any anymore
5. Most people that have been involved in my life have gone out of there way to fuck it up and deny it
6. If you want to know what is going on in my life, you already know me and can just ask me (if you can be fucked
7. I have no money
8. I own two cars, all they are good for is fucking up
9. I live in a town full of fuck wits
10. Everyone judges me by those that I know and love
11. If I died, less than 5 people would care

If you have bothered reading this post, you are probably thinking that I am suffering a bad case of self pitty. That is not the case. It is simply the facts. It cannot be self pitty when you dont want any pitty for it.

So that is basicly the facts as they stand. One they they might change and I might bother posting again...But I find that unlikely.

Good-bye
Sarah

The post that shouldn't be

2004-08-16T23:16:00.000+10:00

Ok, I know that it isn’t a good idea to write blog posts when you have been drinking, but I am bored so I decided WTF.I don’t really know what to write about, so I will just write what ever comes to mind

To start with, we are one step closer to getting the house re-wired. We got a quote the other day and the landlords (my mother and step-father lol) are happy with it, they just want another one to compare. On top of that, Telstra decided for some reason that they were going to upgrade our phone line. Instead of something from the dim dark ages, we now have a phone line that can handle the net properly...Yay!!!

Yesterday was kinda interesting. We spent the day at my mothers doing the catch up thing. I did about 8 loads of washing because I don’t want to waste our tank water and I figured it would keep our power bill down too. We didn’t really do much. Had a nice lunch of bacon and eggs, and roast pork for tea. We went shopping with my mother and she laybuyed about $250 worth of dvds for our Christmas presents. They were on special, I think there was about 15 of them. She was also nice enough to buy us a new kettle so that we don’t get electrocuted every time we make coffee. We also picked out the lino that we are going to put through the house until they get around to doing the floorboards. My stepfather's car decided to die early in the day. Looks like he has burnt a chip out and will probably cost over $1000 to fix...haha.

We eventually got home after 1am. I was sooo sick that it wasn’t funny. I was over tired, over stressed and I think I have a bit of a bug. Nathan says I'm pregnant...mind you he has told me that for 3 months, and it would be too early for morning sickness, so, sorry babe.

Well today saw an argument about me going to a friend’s house. Nathan wanted to go and I didn’t, so in the end he went and I stayed home and relaxed. The problem is, when he got there, him and the friends decided to start on at me about going out and that I need to ect. So I eventually gave in and Nathan came and got me. We picked up some grog and that is where the problems stemmed from.

Things were going well for a while, but then the grog took effect. I cannot be bothered explaining the whole night, but I will say that Nathan drank too much, but he had fun. He also decided to try and make up with some old friends via the phone, and embarrass himself by being load, depressed and sick.
I should of stuck to the original idea of staying home alone...much safer and then I would be sober and not at risk of saying something I shouldn’t to people.

If death isnt the answer...What is?

2004-08-11T22:27:00.000+10:00

Ok, I have depression...Big deal right? Well there is something that people that dont have depression dont realise. When you are have depression and your life starts to turn to shit, you cannot see anyway out of it other than death. Over the past months I have been having more and more of my depression "fits". Most peoples reaction to it all is "Get over it, it isnt that bad"

If it wasnt for my prince, I would be dead by now. A number of times he has been all that has stopped my from killing myself. The problem is, I am starting to get so bad that I am almost beyond his help. Instead of killing myself, I have developed the bad habbit of hurting myself with razor blades...Now before you all jump down my throat about it and say that is stupid ect, you need to unerstand something. I cant help it, and also, I havent done it for quite awhile. I cannot explain why I do it, all I know is, is that it provides me with a sense of control and acts as a kind of release. Half of the time when i get into the mood to do it, I kind of faze out and dont realise what I am doing. It is when I realise what I have done and see the blood that the guilt kicks in.

Anyway, lately I seem to have progressed beyond cutting, instead I just want to die. I cannot justify it. I know death is the wimps way out ect, but it is the only way out that I can see. I have run out of people to talk to. My family dont give a shit, the few people that I might be able to remotely class as friends either dont want to hear it, or just dont need the shit. It is pathetic when you are having a party and the only people you have to invite are family.

Anyway, I still havent figured out what the point of this post is, I guess it is just a way for me to winge. It is also a way to explain to people what my brain is doing.

Well, I think I will leave you on that misereable thought and go back to trying to stay alive

P.S This is also a good time and place to say thank-you to the few people that have stood by me through all my shit...Even if they dont read this, in the case that I do give up one day, I am sure that someone can point them to this post.

2004-08-09T16:37:00.000+10:00

Those that know me, will know that I basicly have no friends. There are people who think they are my friend even though they have betrayed me a million times. Others pretend to be my friend because of my family ect. Well the other day, thanks to my prince chatting to people on the net I have a friend. The bad news is, she has come along at a bad time.

You see I am going through a stage where I dont want to leave the house or see people. Now that is fine when you dont have to go anywhere, but when you want to catch up with someone, it makes it very hard. On top of that, when I am like this, i getr paranoid. I keep thinking my prince is going to leave me for her. I know this wont happen, but I sometimes think he would be better off with her.

Ah well, back to trying to find away to hide from the world

Fuck the Small Minded and Childish

2004-08-05T20:47:00.000+10:00

On the off chance that there is more than one or two people that read this blog, I have decided to make an annoucment. Anyone that decides that they can judge or punish me for the actions of others, or because of my choice of partner and friends can GET FUCKED.

I have had enough of all the shit that is being thrown my way due to childishness or small mindedness. I am a person inmy own right and am not a part of others to be judged as they are judged.

The Ironies of life

2004-08-04T14:07:00.000+10:00

Life is a funny thing sometimes. After threatening that I am going to move to qld more times than I can remember, I looks like there is a chance that I might be. After looking for work around here for ages, it looks like my prince might have a welding job.

The problem...It is working in the mines in qld. If I knew more about it I would tell you, but unfortunatly I have told you all the details that I know of.

Stay tuned for more details...

In a world of order, caos is the ruler

2004-07-28T04:56:00.000+10:00

I have decided that it is time for another update on the happenings in our little world. I have turned into such a scatter brain that most this probably wont make sense, but what does it matter, this is just a collection of my ramblings anyway.

I dont know where to start, so i will just pick a subjet and tell you all about it. Thanks to many unfortinate happenings, we need so much money for so many bills, that i think we are going to need to call on Bill Gates soon. It has gotten to the stage that my future mother-in-law has had to borrow money off her father-in-law inorder for us to remotely get by. The problem is, it is bearly the tip of the ice burg. I have worked out that if we sold every possetion that have, we would be no where near pay what we owe. The problem is, in a couple of weeks after the court case, we are going to have even more debt and only one person able to drive. On top of all of that, we still have all these bloddy puppies distroying the house and eating a ton of food.

Anyway, onto something that may be a bit more interesting. After much frustration over life and our phone been cut off again, we had the bright idea to visit my future-in-laws at 4am yesterday in the hope that we maybe able to get a smoke(we had run out 2 days before) and some food because lately all our food has gone on the pups. I knw that we should of just quit, but fuck it, i need something.

Anyway, after driving all the way down there (about 2 hours), we woke my future mother-in-law with a fright to discover she had no smokes, but did have some good news. The money she was borrowing for us would be coming through anytime. So on that note, we decided to go and have a chat to a friend. The highlight of that visit would have to of been when his father decided to stand at the door while we sat in the car chatting and try and convince him to come inside as it was late ect. Sometimes i realy wonder why parents bother. Once a kid hits 18, they are beyond your command.

Anyway, back to the in-laws we went. There we were greeted by a great suprise. There was a packet of smokes waiting for us. After having a smoke or to in the cold, I feed my face on sandwitches while my prince watched and pretended he wasnt hungry. My future mother-in-law then kindly gave up her bed for us so that we could get some sleep. Two problems...One it was a bloody water bed. I have never slept in one before and dont wish to again. Second, we had been on the go for so long that we couldnt settle, so we put the tv on and dozzed for a couple of hours.

After been waken up (by means that are unmentionable) by my prince after 2 hours, we joined my future mother and sister-in-law in the kitchen. They were ment to leaving at 8.30 to go to tafe and look after my prince's nan. Unfortunately, future sis decided to get a migrain and not go to tafe. The funny thing is, she was well enough to sit up and talk, help sort what car part we were taking home to fix the cars with, then go to her nans to do the gardening. They finally left 2 hours late, and let us have a couple of minutes peace and quiet. Dont get me wrong, i like my in-laws, but sometimes it can get a bit much when we are constantly being questioned or told what we should or shouldnt do.

We decided to do the right thing and call in on my prince's nan (the one that refuses to die, so it was yet another last visit). While there, we were feed fresh pies and then his nan gave me a cushion that she had made in the past. She seems to like me for some reason...old people always do.

When we finaly left there, we were ment to go straight home, but for some reason we decided to take a 45min detour and visit my mother at work. After that, it was on to he long and tiring trip home.

After a quick stop at the supermarket for yet more dog food and the post office to get the phone turned back on, we made it home. The minute we walked in the door, we wanted to leave again. The dogs had distroyed the house. After a quick call to my mother, we were free to finaly go back on the net.

Things wernt to bad until my my mother made her nightly phone call. It was durin this phone call that I was informed the engagement party that she is holding for us was what she wanted and nothing else. This whole party thing is a subject in itself so I will leave it for the moment.

I will depart form blog land now and go back to thinking about life and what I can do to escape this world where everyone and everything thinks that they are can control my life.

The decline in blogs

2004-07-22T02:08:00.000+10:00

I have noticed a trend in blogs lately. I would probably have to have one of the least looked at blogs, yet i seem to be the only one that is updating lately. There are 4 blogs the i regualy check, and all of them either stay the same or have been taken down. Is this a catching blog disease?

Friends, Family and a heap of stress

2004-07-18T23:33:00.000+10:00

I dont realy know what to write, but I feel like updating , so i think i will just ramble about the latest happenings.

I left the last post will a friend of ours staying with us but visiting another one of his friends. After we picked up our friend the next day, we had a night of fighting with the computer while we tried to copy and load alot of his sotware and movies. I have decided that I hate computers. Our cd drive has decided that it hates some brands of disk and wont read them at all. The funny thing is the computer was running ok until we copied all the stuff and loaded a couple of programs, now it is going haywire in all directions.

What can I say, it was an iteresting night of watching his films and looking at programs that will come in very usefull in the future (if the fucking computer works).

The next day after trying for about an hour to get said friend out for bed, we made a mad dash into town to take him to the station...the only problem is, he was to late for the train and had to wait and extra hour till the next one. After waiting on the cold platform and in the warm waiting area for about half an hour, his train departed and it was time to go shopping for my prince charmings birthday present. I think i should explian that it was accutally his birthday on that day an the present wasnt from me, but from my mother. She didnt know what to get, so i had to buy it with her money, wrap it, and give it to her to give to him. Even though i didn't give him a present, i did take him out for chips and gravy (our favorate meal to have together) and was able to give him some pleasure a couple of times.

Well that night ended with us cleaning the house and chasing the pups around in circles and trying to straighten out the kinks in the computer.

Well I will leave this here, and put the very interesting bbq that we had yesterday in another post.

The Joys of Visitors and The Hell of Internet Connections

2004-07-15T01:16:00.000+10:00

I have decided that the internet is an evil invention. It is great while it is working and doing what you want, but the minute you cant use it, for some reason, part of your life seems to vanish. Last night our net decided that it would let us sign in, but that is about it. We spent over 2 hours on the phone to our isp trying to solve the problem, but nothing worked. The strange thing is, it took a visitor using the computer to make it work.

Our friend who goes by the name of Filmmaker Extraordinnaire has paid us a visit for a couple of nights. It has taken some time for him to finally make it up here after many months of problems. Anyway, after picking him up from the station, we told him that our net was down. He sat down at the computer and connected to the net. At first he had the same problems as us...then the little shit decided to work for him.

No-one can explain it, it is just one of those strange things. Anyway, I am writing this while our visitor is having a few drinks with a few of his mates at a local pub and will be staying the night with them. Best of all, we got to meet these mate and they seem like realy nice people...maybe we can make some friends up this way finally.

I guess there isnt much more to say for now...maybe once our friend is back here thing may liven up a bit.

Mess, Mess and more Mess

2004-07-13T22:26:00.000+10:00

As I said in my last post, we have been cleaning the house out. Well I can honestly say that it has been going well and it is looking quite good, but for some reason, to us, it just seems so messy. I guess that it is because we know what we want the house to look like when we have finished. While I am on the subject of cleaning our house, I wish to explain something. I have been asked why we spent so much time cleaning it by a person or two that haven't seen the house. The fact of the matter is there were a number of factors. Yes the house was realy messy. The reasons for this are: The house was never properly sorted when I first moved in, and once my ex and his mate started staying here, it just went down hill because I spent half my time cleaning up after them. After i broke up with them, my prince charming moved in, he brought enough stuff to fill a whole house. We never realy got around to sorting everything out. Then, just when things started to get sorted, we got invaded by mice. So inorder to clean the kitchen alone, everything (and i mean every fucking thing) in the kitchen had to be cleaned. Do you know how hard it is to wash everything that you have in a kitchen, plus cleaning all the cupboards and other surfaces when a mouse has spread flour and shit everywhere?

Anyway, enough about that. I have another thing to say about mess. Do you know how much 6 puppies can make while you are trying to teach them how to drink formula out of a bowl? They sit in it, they walk through it, they roll in it...anything they can do to make a mess they do. Then they winge when it runs out!!! Mind you, it is very cute.

Anyway, enough of my winges...back to withdrawing from the smokes and coke...catch ya latter

Damn my parents

2004-07-12T02:28:00.000+10:00

Ok, I have decided that the world has gone mad. By now i am sure that you all know that I have strange relationships with my bio-logical and step parents. This weekend those relationships have become even stranger. I will attempt to put all of this in some sort of understandable order.

It has been know for quite awhile between my family and myself that my house needed to be cleaned from top top bottem and re-sorted. After an invasion of mice, this became urgent. The problem is, it is no small task to clean out an entire house when every little thing has to be cleaned and disinfected. To add more problems to the list, we are holding a bbq for My Prince Charming's birthday next weekend. That means that the cleaning had to be done now. After a week of clean with just the two of us, I gave in and asked my mother to come and help. Now, even though she had offered to help, i thought that when she got here i would of gotten a heap of attitude. You can imagine my suprise when she walks through the door with a smile on her face, gives me a packet of smokes and chatted away happiily. Her good mood continued for the entire day to the extent that when she hugged us good-bye, she almost snapped My Prince Charming in half!

I had just gotten over the shock of this when I received an email from my father tonight. Now the fact of the matter is that i try not to have much contact with him, and it has been great while he was having computer problems and couldn't email me, so I was a bit dissapointed when is name showed up in my inbox. The biggest shock of all was yet to come though. Now you see my father has met My Prince Charming quite a number of times and knows that we are engaged. Up until now, we have always thought that he approved(as best he knows how) of him. I found out the truth tonight. In the email he explained about his computer problems, then went on to ask how things were going with MAT. I know that i have never told you the name of My Prince Charming, but i can tell you the his name is NOT Mat!!! Mat is one of my ex's that hurt me quite bad and my father knows this, so what is he playing at?

I will let you all know what happens when he gets the email that I sent back to him. Maybe I should send him the link to this blog. Hmmmm...

It is official...I am insane

2004-07-10T16:12:00.000+10:00

For those that know me, or that have been reading my last few posts, you will have noticed that there is something just not quite right with me. Well after visiting the doctor yesterday(for more info on that interesting trip go to My prince charmings blog), i have been told that I have Depression (already knew that), anxiety, and agrafobia. Suprise Suprise.

I now have to have so many tests that i dont think i will have any blood left, and i have to see a heap of new doctors. I guess that life is about to get realy fun around here.

I guess that I will try to keep you upto date with alot of boring posts about what happens over the next few months of trying to fix me.

The S Club and More

2004-07-06T01:58:00.000+10:00

I have decided that some of the coincidences in life are just down right wierd. This was brought to the front to my mind last night when i found out the a friend of mine had died. It was not his death that made me think this, but his death reminded me of some of life realy strange things.

I will try and explain what i am talking about. The guy that died was know to me because he worked with my mother. That isnt strange, but the rest of the story is. Not long before i met my prince charming, a fundraising dinner was held for my friend and his family because he had cancer. At this fundraiser, i was the official photographer and spend a bit of time talking to his 2 sisters.

I thought nothing more of this until my prince and i had been together for a couple of months. One night we were talking about ex's and he mentioned the name of one of his. Would you beleive it, it was the sister of my friend.

Now I know that that may not seem all that strange, but there is even more to this story. You see, this ex and myself both have the same first name. Ok, still not wierd? Well i will tell you how it came that he went out with two different women with the same name. You see, we are not the only ones with this name that he has gone out with. Before me, there were 7 others. He called it his S club7 (incase you dont get it, our name starts with S).

I found this funny when i was first told about it. Then i started to worry abit when he told me that he would surf the chat programs looking for girls with this name. I was was begining to think he was some sort of bizare stalker. But then i looked at my own track record and realised i was almost as bad. 3 of the guys i have been with all had the same name. So i guess you could say he used to have his S CLub7, and i had my M Club 3.

I know that i got off the original point of this post, but thats half the fun isnt it?

R.I.P my little friend

2004-07-04T01:57:00.000+10:00

Those that read my last post or the few that i talk to alot will know that one of my puppies, the one that we called Gizmo, was sick and that we had been hand feeding him in the hope that he would regain his strength.

Unfortunatly, tonight he lost his battle for life. I cannot say for sure what time it was that he passed away, but at a guess, i would say that it was about midnight. I found him not long after, cuddled up to his mum as though he was fast asleep.

All i can say is that even though i know that he is now out of pain, I hurts so much that i cannot explain. I have had many animals in my time, all special to me, but Gizmo was different. I was there from just after his birth just under two weeks ago, and had spent most of the last few days and nights feeding him, cleaning him and just making sure he was warm and comfitable.

I was also the one that found that he had passed away tonight. We knew it was going to happen but, that didn't make it any easier. As I sit here writing this now, his mother is walking round and round the room looking for him. She knows he is dead, but she doesnt understand and wants us to bring him back to her. I wish I could.

There is more that i could tell to this, but I just cant stand to write anymore about it tonight.

R.I.P Gizmo

A Bloody Long Read...You May Want to Make a Cuppa first

2004-07-03T03:54:00.000+10:00

Well folks, here is the update that I wrote the background for in my last post. You will have to bear with me because lack of sleep and to much stress had turned me in to a real scatter brain lately.

I will take you back to Tuesday of last week. This was basicly an uneventful day, just like the rest of my life, except for one thing. Princess, one of our dogs, gave birth to 7 puppies. This was a pretty big deal because I didnt realise until i got home from having lunch with my prince and went out the back to check on her and her brother Houdini. Imagine my suprise when I see that insead of having a pregnant gut, she had a pile of puppie cuddled up to her. That night we made the dicision that her and her pups had to be moved inside so that they didnt freeze to death. THat is when the distruction of the house began.

Wednesday saw me trying to take her and the seven pups to the vet by myself. It was fine until she decided that the vet want looking at the pups any more and tried to pull the box of pups down off the table. On top of that, it was money that we just couldnt afford.

The next day (Thursday), saw another drama happening. My prince was fired from his dream job at the hospital for being late to work. I would like to say here that i beleive that it was VERY unfair. He did more work than anyone else, did a better job, and got 2 weeks quota done in four days. Right from the start the boss had a problem with him. He even accused my prince of trying to intimidate him. To me that screams that he was intimidated. This set off the old cycle of depression and self distruction that i had been fighting so hard to keep at bay.

On friday, it was decided that i had to see the docotor. One because i needed a script for my pills, but also becaues we both realy thought and hoped that i was pregnant. THe doctor sent me for a blood test adn i was told that i would get the results that night or saturday morning. When i rang that night, i was told that was imposible and that i had to wait until Monday.

Saturday seemed like it was going to be nice and quite. Well it was until we got a call from Annette Rang to say that Sylvia had had another heart attack, was back in hospital and would be dead that night. This distroyed my prince. Even though he has no likeing for her (as you wil see if you read his blog), she is still his nanna, and the though of her death still hurts.

You can imagine our shock when he rang Annette on Sunday and she told us that after a bypass operation, she had recovered well. In my wiered opinon, it is because the doctors said that she was going to die. She is such a stubour old bag, that i can just imagine her thinking "Well you said i am going to die, i think i will just live a bit longer, bug everyone a bit more, then die when no-one expects it".

Anyway, on with my lovely long tale. On Monday, I went to the doctors and was crushed when he told me that the test was negative. As much as it hurt me, i think it hurt my prince even more. On top of that, that morning our phone was cut off again becaues we couldnt pay the bill. That night saw us going to the local police station to collect his summons for the incedent with the police that i mentioned. We were bother releived to discover that he is only facing 5 charges instead of the 18 that the police were origanly wanting to charge him with. We also now know that his court date is 12th August.

On Tuesday, we decided to go and say another goodbye to Sylvia. I am begin to wonder how many last visits will be having. Is it going to be like all these rock bands that keep having "One Last Tour"? All morning before we left, and the entire afternoon while we were on our way down, his family kept either ringing or smsing my mobile. It took us for ever to get there due to one thing and another. At least we were able to pay the phone bill when my prince's last pay came through. On the way, I aranged with our friend Willss that we would pick him up from the station a bit later so that he and my prince could catch-up.

We we eventually made it to the hospital, we had to try and find where Sylvia was becaues Annette wasnt waiting out the frount like she had said. Once we found her, we had to go through the usual hospital visit talk, you know, how are you going, how are you feeling today. All that crap. I was so glad to get out of there it wasnt funny. It was bad enough years ago when i had to spen hours in hospitals and nursing homes visiting my grandmother after her stroke. The difference between visiting my grandmother and Sylvia is that i loved my grandmother more than anyone could imagine and would of moved the earth for if i thought it would help her, where as i dont like Sylvia, even though i dont know her that well. It was only the second time that i had seen her, but i still dont like her. The whole time that i was sitting in that cardiac ward, all i could think about how much the pain of my grandmothers death still hurt me, how sad it was that the people in there were so sick, and that i wish Sylvia would just die so that everyone can just get on with their lives. Please dont judge me by these coments. They are just my unspoken thoughts.

Anyway, that is enought of me being a heartless bitch. We left the hospital about 45min after we got there (thank God). Things started to look up a bit after we picked up willss and took him back to Annette and Rob's house. After a quick trip to his house we all sat down to dinner. Things were going well until Rob and Annette started about the court case. It set off my prince's vomiting (he is annorexic), and my depression. While i was in the bathroom talking to my prince, Willss came in asking if we could take him home. Now there is nothing wrong with this, except that for some reason it triggered one of my stupid anxiety problems. I will explain more at a later stage, but to cut it short sometime ago i developed a fear of showers and bathrooms after a couple of bad things happening to me. That left me on the verge of tears for the rest of the night.
Taking Willss home was a good break from the tension in the house. When we got back, my prince went and had a shower while i sat in the kitchen and knitted. This would of been quite good if it hadnt been for his sister being there. I have nothing against her as such, but she can get a bit overwelming at times. We eventually got out of there, and thought that we would go and see my mother. It was almost 10pm when i rang her to ask it that would be alright. We would of been there in about an hour, and i thought that just once she would stay up a little later for me concidering we have been running around like mad hatters for her in the last couple of months. Instead i copped an ear full of attatude about it. That was the final straw for me. On the long drive home, i dont think we had any happy conversations. I thought that when we got home, we both would of fallen straight into bed, but it seems that the drive woke us up (as it always does). So what did we do? Decided to start the job of copying all our "importaint" files off the computer sot that we could reformat it again. We eventualy went to bed, mind you i dont remeber when, i cant even remember going to bed that night/morning.

The next day was a little brighter. After paying the rent, we decided to go to a junk shop we know about 15min out of town. When we got there we found that they dont open on Wednesdays. So we grabed some food and headed back into town. On the way we saw another shop that looked interesting. We went in there and found what i had been looking for...A babies cot. Now i know that im not pregnat so most people dont see the point in me laybying a cot. Let me explain. I was a great cot that we can do up the way we want, we can have it ready for when we do have a baby with out rushing, it made us happy that we were on step closer to having a baby, and we are saving about $300.

On Thursday, we had yet another lazy day. That was until night time. We had spent the day watching Princess constantly moving one of her puppies on to the couch and leaving him. That night we discovered why. She was leaving him to die. He is about 1/3 the size of the others and we hadn't seen him eat all day. That night, he was virtually dead. He kept stoping breathing, adn couldnt even lift his head. I took him and started carrying him around with me so that he could get warm. I spent a couple of hours on the net trying to find what to feed him. The problem is that all the sites said puppy formula. That is great except in the middle of the fucking night!. Eventually my prince decided to ring the after hours vet. She told us that he would most likely be dead by morning, but in the mean time if we wanted to we could water down normal milk and give it to him. There was no way either of were going to sit by ant watch the little fella die, so we made up the milk and feed him with a syringe. You would of though all his christmas' had come at once. He instantly came to life. After a couple of feeds we decided it was safe to go to bed for awhile. We did set teh alarm to get up and check on him but we were so tired the we turned it off and slept for another hour, took the time to have sex, then got up.

The problem is that we were both so tired, stressed and run down, we woke up sick and sore and ended up back in bed soon after giving him a feed. When we managed to get out of bed later in the day, we went into town, and spent the last of our money of formula for the bloody pup. The main thing though is that he his getting much better.

The only problem now is that in about 8 hours my mother and step father will be here, and there is no way the house is clean enough for their liking. Well my solution to that is-go to bed for about 4 hours, then get up and clean like mad.

I will leave you all now so that i can put that plan in to action, and you can all find something abit more interesting to read.

Stay tuned to see what dramas my mother can create durin he 24 hour visit, and a progress report on the little pup (btw, we call him gizmo, after the gremlins character)

Ta-Ta for now

A Bit of background

2004-07-01T18:57:00.000+10:00

As I said in my last post, I have a lot to write about that has been happening in the last couple of days.

I will start by providing a bit of background information so that what I have to say about the last couple of days will make sense to those reading it.

First I will explain about my prince charming's Nanna Sylvia, who is 67 years old and quite ill. In the last couple of years she has had a number of strokes and heart attacks. A couple of weeks ago, after yet another heart attack, she was placed in hospital for tests. It was found that he carotid arteries were 99% blocked. We were told told that she would not survive the procedure to clear the blockage, so we made the trip to say "goodbye". But wouldn't you know, she was to stubborn to die.

After having this blockage cleared, she was released from hospital. We thought that the would be the end of it all for a while. We were wrong. On Saturday night, I answered the phone to discover my prince charmings mother Annette on the other end crying. She told me, followed by him that Sylvia would not last the night because she had another heart attack. Well this started the stress rising and the tears flowing.

I will leave this story here, and bring people upto date with other past happenings.

Earlier this year, my prince decided to misbehave with my pintara and the cops. As a result I am currently doing community service and up until now we have been waiting to see what charges he will be facing.

Another one of the happening around here lately has been the birth of 7 puppies.

The last info I need to give you for my update to make sense is that my prince and I have decided to try and have kids.

Now that I have given you this nice long bit of background information, I have decided to put my update in another post to try and keep the size of these posts down to readable levels.

Damn Computers!!

2004-07-01T17:38:00.000+10:00

I have decided that computers are evil little inventions. Last night i wront a very long post covering alot of happening over the last couple of days. And what did the computer so before i could post it or save it as a draft? It froze and shut down!

I guess what i am saying is that it may take a while for me to re-write and post what i was going to say

Useless information

2004-06-28T01:08:00.000+10:00

Ok, I have decided that seen as not many people are going to take a great interest in this blog, I am going to use it as a way to get shit off my head and sort out my past. If you get bored reading my rantings and ravings, just remember, I didn't make you read it...lol.

For some reason I feel like explaining why I have a problem relating to males, and find it difficult to be in any sort of relationship of any kind with them, be it as a friend, lover, father, step father or father in law.

This has been a problem that I have had all my life. It started with me being an only child who's father could not make up his mind whether he wanted to be involved in my life or not. Still to this day he cannot decided. This is an example of the strange relationship I have always had with him. I have never been allowed to call him dad, I always had to call him by is first name, no matter what. Now that may not seem so bad to most people, but it is hard for a kid to understand. We are meant to look up to our parents, but when one of them continually tells you that he doesn't want to be you father, that he would rather be your friend, that gets a bit confusing at times.

As I said, I grew up as an only child. Now most only children get spoilt and made to feel special, I wasn't that lucky. I was always expected to act like an adult, and not a child. By the time I was in grade four, I was cooking tea for the family. That meant that I would walk home from school, let myself into an empty house, and cook three different meals-one for my father to take to work, one for me to eat, and one for my mother to eat when she got home hours later. To top off that bit of loneliness, I was constantly teased at school and never really had friends my own age. That means that I never really learnt to socialise with people my own age. Mind you, I learn from a young age how to talk to adults and animals :).

As I got older the teasing continued, so I never got to befriends with many people, and I was never cool enough, or pretty enough for the guys to want anything to do with me. By the time my father left when I was 15, I had shut myself off from most people, but mainly males. With my past history and the opinions of my mother, I began to hate males and stay away from them, or only look at them as friends. The few guys that I made the mistake of falling for, would always use the classic line "I like you as a friend but...", so I just refused to fall for anyone anymore.

Even when I used to go to night clubs ect, I would stay away from guys, or muck around, set them up with friends, or if I was in a really strange mood, kiss one or to. But that was as far as anything ever went. That is as far as I ever wanted it to go. One of the reasons for that was that at the time, my mother was going through casual partners like there was no tomorrow.

I can say though that back then, there was one guy I came across in a night club, that I wished I had of taken things further with, but I blew that one. What happened was, one night (well it was actually 2am), I was leaving the club that my friends and I always went to. As I was walking down the stairs, there were two cute guys walking up the stairs. My drunk friend was still at the top of the stair trying to figure out how to get down them. Next thing I know, the guys stop on the landing, and the cuter of the two says to me "Your not leaving already are you, how about you give me a good night kiss". Me in my innocence turned my check to him that he kissed me there. His reply to that was "no a really kiss". Next thing I know his tongue is halfway down my throat. All I can remember is his hands on my arse, his mate saying "Bloody hell, not again" and a strange feeling of being wanted.

The minute that he let go, I left, with my friend in shock trying to follow me. A couple of weeks latter, I was back at this same club, sitting watching my friends dance when someone walked up to me and said "remember me?" now because I was tired and not in the mood to be there, with out thinking I turned around and said "no, should I" with out taking notice of who it was. As he walked off, I realised it was the guy I had kissed on the stairs and had been thinking about so much.

After that, I went though a lot of shit that isn't relevant to the story I am tell here, but the end result was that I stayed right away from males.

A few years later, I moved away from home, and finally lost my virginity when I was 21. After that, I ended up in a couple of really screwed up relationships that just about destroyed me. Then at the end of last year, I started talking to a couple of guys on the net. One of them used me and turned out to be complete wacko. The other was the guy that I am now engaged to :).

Even though after a lot of hard work on his and my part, I can now happily co-exist in a full relationship, I still have trouble with guys in other situations. The one that I have the most trouble with is my future father in law(and for those that know him, please don't say anything). He is a great guy and has done everything he can to make me feel like part of the family, the problem is, I don't know how to be part of a family or wanted by a father figure. Everytime he hugs me, I get this feeling of, what the fuck is going on. I know that this is my problem, so will not say anything due to the fact that it would hurt him. He seems to need my acceptance (or am I just full of myself?) so I really don't want to hurt him. I just cant comprehend what he feels for me or what he wants from me. In the back of my mind is always the old thought of what does he want from me.

Well, I guess that is enough of my rubbish for one post so I will let everyone find something else to read. I am sure that I will find something else from my past to bore people with real soon

Ciao

Me, me and more about me

2004-06-26T23:24:00.000+10:00

I guess for those that don't know me, I should introduce myself. There isn't realy much for me to introduce, but I will give it a go anyway. I am 23, very happily engaged, and live just outside of Ballarat in Victoria.

The town I live in has nothing in it except a very old and unused cemetery. If we want our mail, we have to drive 10 minutes to the next town, to pick it up from the post office/general store there because they have decided they dont want to deliver it anymore. :(

My fiance (My Prince Charming) and i have been together almost 7 months now, and had two dogs until a few days ago when one of them decided to give birth to 7 puppies. That means that we now have 9 dogs to run around after.

The worst thing is that the little bitch got pregnant before me. How rude!!! As you may off guessed, we are trying for kids. The worst thing is that i feel and look(according to my fiance) pregnant, but i have to wait until monday to find out what the results of the blood test are. I had the test done yesterday(friday), but they were to slack to get them to the doctors before closing time, so i have to wait all weekend! The wait is killing me...as well as the nausia, tiredness, grumpyness, cravings, sore tits and all the other things i can find to complain about.

Well there isnt much more that i can tell you about myself, other than, i have such a boring life that i am sitting here watching some crappy old movie, and listing to the dreadfully boring ballarat radio. On top of that, i spend most of my spare time knitting baby clothes (well i try to, but it is harder that it looks).

Well thats about it for now, i will tell you more when i can decide what the hell anyone wants to know

Ciao